"I live, I love, I slay, and I am content."
Conan.
Script Logic; 1/2
Pace; 1/2
Acting; 1/2
Aesthetic; 2/2
Originality & Intention; 1/2
Final Score; 6/10
Final word; Well, there can be no denying that despite its near infinite quotability, the original Scwarzenegger film was not without some real problems. Given the time that's passed, how badly that origional has dated, and with a wealth of original source material, that a reboot of the franchise was, perhaps on this occasion, justifiable.
The intention was clear from the start: a hard edged adult fantasy, with all the trappings you'd expect- violence, gore, nudity, more nudity, biceps, sorcery and more violence. In that respect, the film doesn't disappoint. However, that doesn't stop the whole film feeling a little flat. Sure, it's all there, and initially that's enough, but it does get rather dull fast, and you can't help but feel you've seen it all before- only with a lot more showmanship. This will always compare badly to 300, which is probably the high-end for this sort of thing. Still, it's not awful, just workmanlike. Honestly, it's almost just a tick-list of cliches, and the plot is never anything more than an excuse to get from A to B.
In it's favour, Jason Momoa looks an excellent Conan (acting is another matter), and Stephen Lang (although underused) is a villain you want to see cut into lots of bloody and ragged pieces. Rose McGowan vamps things up nicely as a sadistic witch, and Rachel Nichols makes the most of her eye-candy role as the damsel in distress (and I'll freely admit she's bloody gorgeous).
Can't help but feel what really would have saved this was a better sense of humour- Hell, even 300 had some darkly comic moments! Everything here, for better or worse, is played straight. I appreciate that's probably more in keeping with the original Robert E Howard stories, but looking at this purely as a film, what this needed was a little more wit: humour is a good thing, it can mask a poor script and shoddy acting, and makes a film like this a lot more entertaining. Say what you like about Schwarzenegger, but he had a good formula in his films- violance, blood, punchline.... And punching-out a camel is pretty funny.
Like Conan, you'll be content, but never satisfied...
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