Wednesday 1 February 2012

"GET TO DA CHOPPA!"

*Dutch. Predator (1987).


I present to you: the definitive, indispensable, all-singing, all-dancing Arnold Schwarzenegger star-vehicle script-generator! 

Just read each caption and choose one of the following five answers, and hey-hey! An instant plot! 





Your name is;
  • Douglass Dutch
  • Harry Quaid
  • Conan Matrix
  • Ivan Freeze
  • Mr Universe




Unfortunately, something’s wrong;
  • An evil warlord has massacred your village
  • A killer robot has come from the future
  • You’re the newest contestant in a dangerous game-show
  • You’re mind has been erased
  • You need to run for governor of California




And to make matters worse;
  • You’re pregnant
  • You have to moonlight as a kindergarten teacher
  • You have to buy your child’s favorite toy
  • You’re wife has discovered you’re a spy
  • Women are filing sexual harassment claims against you




During the film, you must also go head-to-head against;
  • An invisible alien
  • The Devil
  • Your clone
  • Michael Ironside
  • The Democrats

 


With the aid of;
  • Your unlikely twin
  • A magic cinema ticket
  • A horse
  • A machine gun with never-ending ammunition
  • Your fan base




And your;
  • Freeze gun
  • Unshakable faith in Krom
  • Ridiculously curly wig
  • Exploding woman-head disguise
  • Aggressive election campaign




You’re able to;
  • Alter the course of the future
  • Get to the chopper
  • Eat green berets for breakfast
  • Retrieve the nuclear warheads
  • Become Governor




Also, for the whole story, you;
  • Keep showing off your naked butt
  • Look to old to still be doing action films
  • Make yourself look younger with CGI
  • Deliver corny jokes
  • Regret ever sleeping with your maid