"WHAT AM I WORKING ON? I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD, AND HUMAN LIFE AS WE KNOW IT..."

Seth Brundle (The Fly)

Ask any film-fan and they'll likely tell you Hollywood is doing noting but pump out remakes and reboots. It's a hard thing to argue, we're certainly being inundated... But, rather than see this as a sign of some on-coming cine-geddon, let's first consider the facts- are remakes really such a bad thing?

Remakes! Remakes everywhere!

Sure, we didn't need another Robocop, or a Total Recall. Godzilla was pointless, and the new Carrie, Friday 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street remakes were gaulingly bad. But- we've not lost the origionals. they're still out there and, who knows, maybe these remakes will introduce a new generation to the classics?
And truthfully, I can think of a whole bunch of films which could actually benefit from a rethink;

IT, Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad, The Guns of Navarone, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, Alien Nation (very timely, given the subtext), Beastmaster, The Last Starfighter, Mountain Men, Stripes, Wargames, Name of the Rose, Flight of the Navigator, The Magnificent Seven, Dare Devil, Dune (now that's a franchise opportunity a'la Lord of the Rings in scope!). 

There's more than you'd think. The problem isn't so much that we're inundated with these remakes, the problem is the wrong films are getting remade (rebooted, whatever). I mean, for Christ's sake, Spiderman got rebooted just three years after Raimi's last flick, and now the character is due a further reboot by Marvel.

Lastly... I used to be really irritated with these seemingly endless remakes, the same as everyone else. When I heard Robocop was getting a reboot I was livid in fact. But then I realised, some of my favorite films are actually remakes themselves- proof that this isn't a modern-day phenomenon (and bare in mind that films are pumped out now in greater numbers and faster speed than ever before, with more hype and coverage thanks to the Internet).
Think on it, without remakes we'd have none of these excellent films;

Carpenter's The Thing. Cronenberg's The Fly. Aja's The Hills Have Eyes. 13 Assassins. Ritchie's Sherlck Holmes. Fassbender's Macbeth. Nolan's Batman. The Departed. Snyder's Dawn of the Dead. Bram Stoker's Dracula. Ocean's 11. King Kong. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Precinct 13. Heat. True Lies. Jackson's Lord of the Rings!

 Is that a world you really want to live in? No, or me...

So, the next time you hear about a remake, or a reboot, or whatever they chose to call it, don't roll your eyes or swear, cross your fingers and hope for the best. The problem isn't that another remake's being made, the real issue is- will it be an improvement?

"DON'T GET SENTIMENTAL NOW DAD!"

Indiana Jones (and the Last Crusade)

Continued from my post on James Bond (see "HE ALWAYS DID HAVE AN INFLATED OPINION OF HIMSELF...")
 

Well, I guess I owe Ian Flemming one small thing at least... As much as I don't like admitting it, without James Bond I wouldn't have one of my favorite films; Raiders of the Lost Arc... 

 

"Yeah, that should do nicely..."

The story goes that Spielberg always fancied doing a Bond film, while Spielberg's friend, Lucas, had wanted to do an old-fashioned serial-styled adventure. Between them they devised a character who would fulfill both briefs- a world-wry adventurer whose exploits could send him across the globe. So So they created Indiana Jones. 

 And we all know that Indiana Jones is a much better character than James Bond... Right?

Aside from this starting point, Indiana Jones and James Bond really aren't that similar. Their choices and the way they tackle their obstetrical is very different, as is their relationship to women. Bond is a habitual womaniser with no real connection to the majority of his conquests; over 50 women, and arguably he only 'liked' three of them. Indiana Jones, however, loved (and probably always loved) Marian. Willy was obviously a relationship going nowhere, but it was never a case of one party using or leading-on the other. Ilsa may have turned out to be a Nazi sympathiser, a typical Bond twist, however her betrayal actually really hurts Jones, while Bond was (by and large) never overly bothered by such things. To say that Bond uses women is an understatement- even when he's defending them he usually only considers them as a means to an end. Despite Ilsa's betrayal, Indiana Jones still tries to save her life during the climax of the film- would Bond have ever done such a thing? He'd have probably coolly watched her fall to her death before cracking a bad joke ("get a grip, dear"?).

Definitely making this up as he goes...

I'll concede, Indiana Jones still has something of an ego, but he's not the psychopath that James Bond is; he has feelings, and much of his posturing is bravado to hide his own short-comings. Jones is usually a few steps behind the plot, struggling to catch-up, unlike Bond- who always seems to be in-the-know. Jones has friendships, and loves, and losses, and weaknesses. All of this serves to make him more human, a person you can warm to and empathise with. Bond, not so much...
And another thing: Indiana Jones makes mistakes! Sure, he comes off suave and he's a good improvisor, but let’s not forget— he misjudges the weight of the idol (subsequently setting off all the traps inside the temple), disguises himself in a Nazi uniform two sizes too small, doesn't bother checking the logo on his getaway plane in Shanghai. The list goes on... He's human. You wouldn't catch Bond screwing up like that. Indiana Jones lived by the maxim “I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go.” Bond, on the other hand, is about wish-fulfillment, about being the best- there's no room for error or pity in those cold blue eyes.

And that, jury, is why Indiana Jones is the superior character. Thank you.

Insert applause. and remember...

"Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory."

"HE ALWAYS DID HAVE AN INFLATED OPINION OF HIMSELF..."

James Bond (Live and Let Die)

Bond... James Bond. Apparently the "world's greatest spy" since 1953, he first appeared in the Ian Fleming novel Casino Royale. The character of 007 has since appeared in 39 official novels (14 by Fleming) and 24 films over the past 60 years, played by seven different actors. With the franchise showing no signs of stopping any time soon there can be no denying the character's popularity- Hell, even the opening ceremony at the London Olympics featured this revered and iconic assassin.

"Hey, Mr Craig, do moody! Excellent, just scowl a little more... Perfect. Do that through four films."

So, with that rather impressive portfolio in mind, why is it that I hate bond so much? Most readers will likely assume I'm intentionally taking a contrary stance to mainstream pop culture, but honestly, I've never liked Bond. Not even as a dumb kid, before all this 'critical thought' nonsense.

Is it that I dislike Daniel Craig? Maybe. While it's true I can't seem to warm to this self-absorbed, grouchy, potato-headed gimp, he's not the reason I hate Bond. Craig has on more than one occasion shown disdain for these films, claiming he'd rather "break this glass and slash my wrists" than play Bond again, which irritates me a little. Perhaps Mr Craig, who, let's face it, is only a household name because of these Bond movies (and not Layer Cake), would like to swap jobs? 

He can support people with learning difficulties full-time for about £900 a month, and I'll start playing James Bond... I'll get paid thousands of pounds for a few months work, I'll get the personal trainers to get me into the shape of my life, I'll do all the interviews and answer the same questions day-in-day-out (in my job there's already a lot of that), and I'll use the success of these films to launch my own career- and I'll be damn grateful for the opportunity! Git.

No, it's not that I dislike Daniel Craig, although that can't help matters. Admittedly my hatred of the character has reached something of an apex during his charmless stint as Bond, but I quite like Connery, Moore and Dalton. It's definitely James Bond I have an issue with...

I hate how he always seems to have a gadget for every possible circumstance, no matter how unlikely. I hate the ludicrous names of the women he comes across (ahem), or how they all seem to find him so dazzlingly attractive (52 women over the course of 22 films, and counting). And I don't like how seemingly immune he is to sexually transmitted diseases... 

I hate the predictability of the films. I know that, following some initial action scene and sexed-up intro sequence (with all the eroticism of a brick in the ear), that Bond will, without fail; disarm the traps, outwit the goons, bed the girls (kill some of the girls), drive a fast car, use a gadget or two, blow up the lair and save the day. I know a sense of danger and excitement is a hard thing to contrive in such a larger-than-life character, but you never get the feeling Bond's in any real danger, and after more than twenty films the formula is very stretched.

But aside from the grotesque sexual politics, or the simplicity of the world-building (I'll concede some effort has been recently made to move away from these two problems, but they still remain deep-seated issues), or the predictability of the action- what I hate the most, what I downright loath about James Bond, is how smarmy the fucker is! He's not human- there is literally no humanity to the character at all! He's just this ugly, unlikable, egotistical psychopath.

Sure, he's a very efficient spy, but to get behind a character and cheer him on for over twenty films I have to at least like the guy a little bit. But no, Bond treats people (all people) as either a tool, a commodity, target practice or a fuck-hole (or a combination of all four), and yet people idolise him- that to me is a little creepy. The films, to my mind, seem to endorse the worst kind of blatantly immature male-fantasy- and I think, even as a child, I was aware of that. "Travel exotic locals, sleep with beautiful women without fear of commitment, and kill people without hesitation- it's all OK because you're the good guy!"

 

Did Flemming realise he would be glamourising a psychopath?

So, in a list that rather pointedly does NOT include James Bond, here's my very own Top Ten of silver-screen spies;

10. Major Smith  (Where Eagles Dare)

A man whose cover was so deep, not even his closest allies knew whose side he was on. The closest Bond ever got to 'under cover' was, well, insert your own joke here.
 

9. George Smiley - (Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy)

Proof, if any were needed, that brains as well as brawn are required in the spy arena. Bond never had to spend much time working out who was good and who was bad- he just looked for a white cat or a black roll-neck.

8. Emma Peel (the Avengers)

A woman with more sass and sex-appeal than any Bond girl.Or Bond, for that matter.

7. K (Men in Black)

A man whose dry, sardonic wit leaves Bond looking like a stuttering moron.The best Bond could manage was a smirk and a pun, we can all do that.

6. Nikita (La Femme Nikita)

A reluctant spy who wanted nothing more than to leave behind the violence and lead a normal life.Bond, by comparison, seems to enjoy his job a little too much.

5. William "Billy" Costigan (The Departed)

In stark contrast to Bond's cool bravado, Costigan proved that to be brave you first need to be scare- but he still kept a steady hand.

4. Harry Tasker (True Lies)

A Bond send-up who was actually a damn site more humble. Tasker also had a woman in his life he actually loved, and while his job required the odd bit of flirting one's left with the feeling he remained faithful throughout.

3. Mr Lee (Enter The Dragon)

Bruce Lee, playing Bruce Lee, simultaneously pretending to be and also being better than James Bond- what's not to like? Bruce Lee wouldn't have struggled much with Agent Grant...

2. Ethan Hunt (Mission Impossible)

What's to say? His stunts are better, his stories are more interesting, and he gets the best results by working in a team.Bond may be the starting point, Ethan is certainly that theory more evolved.

1. Jack Bauer (24)

Probably the most gritty and realistic portrayal of a 'secret agent', ever.

An honorable mention goes out to  Hauser (Total Recall), "Best mind fuck yet", and Marvel's own Nick Fury. Yes, I know Bourne isn't on the list, this is not an oversight, as if I haven't courted controversy enough already in this post, I don't rate the Bourne films. I've not seen Bridge of Spies yet, and I've not counted any 'real' spies, so nothing like Zero Dark Thirty either. What do you guys think, have I missed any?