James Bond (Live and Let Die)
Bond... James Bond. Apparently the "world's greatest spy" since 1953, he first appeared in the Ian Fleming novel Casino Royale. The character of 007 has since appeared in 39 official novels (14 by Fleming) and 24 films over the past 60 years, played by seven different actors. With the franchise showing no signs of stopping any time soon there can be no denying the character's popularity- Hell, even the opening ceremony at the London Olympics featured this revered and iconic assassin.
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| "Hey, Mr Craig, do moody! Excellent, just scowl a little more... Perfect. Do that through four films." |
So, with that rather impressive portfolio in mind, why is it that I hate bond so much? Most readers will likely assume I'm intentionally taking a contrary stance to mainstream pop culture, but honestly, I've never liked Bond. Not even as a dumb kid, before all this 'critical thought' nonsense.
Is it that I dislike Daniel Craig? Maybe. While it's true I can't seem to warm to this self-absorbed, grouchy, potato-headed gimp, he's not the reason I hate Bond. Craig has on more than one occasion shown disdain for these films, claiming he'd rather "break this glass and slash my wrists" than play Bond again, which irritates me a little. Perhaps Mr Craig, who, let's face it, is only a household name because of these Bond movies (and not Layer Cake), would like to swap jobs?
He can support people with learning difficulties full-time for about £900 a month, and I'll start playing James Bond... I'll get paid thousands of pounds for a few months work, I'll get the personal trainers to get me into the shape of my life, I'll do all the interviews and answer the same questions day-in-day-out (in my job there's already a lot of that), and I'll use the success of these films to launch my own career- and I'll be damn grateful for the opportunity! Git.
No, it's not that I dislike Daniel Craig, although that can't help matters. Admittedly my hatred of the character has reached something of an apex during his charmless stint as Bond, but I quite like Connery, Moore and Dalton. It's definitely James Bond I have an issue with...
I hate how he always seems to have a gadget for every possible circumstance, no matter how unlikely. I hate the ludicrous names of the women he comes across (ahem), or how they all seem to find him so dazzlingly attractive (52 women over the course of 22 films, and counting). And I don't like how seemingly immune he is to sexually transmitted diseases...
I hate the predictability of the films. I know that, following some initial action scene and sexed-up intro sequence (with all the eroticism of a brick in the ear), that Bond will, without fail; disarm the traps, outwit the goons, bed the girls (kill some of the girls), drive a fast car, use a gadget or two, blow up the lair and save the day. I know a sense of danger and excitement is a hard thing to contrive in such a larger-than-life character, but you never get the feeling Bond's in any real danger, and after more than twenty films the formula is very stretched.
But aside from the grotesque sexual politics, or the simplicity of the world-building (I'll concede some effort has been recently made to move away from these two problems, but they still remain deep-seated issues), or the predictability of the action- what I hate the most, what I downright loath about James Bond, is how smarmy the fucker is! He's not human- there is literally no humanity to the character at all! He's just this ugly, unlikable, egotistical psychopath.
Sure, he's a very efficient spy, but to get behind a character and cheer him on for over twenty films I have to at least like the guy a little bit. But no, Bond treats people (all people) as either a tool, a commodity, target practice or a fuck-hole (or a combination of all four), and yet people idolise him- that to me is a little creepy. The films, to my mind, seem to endorse the worst kind of blatantly immature male-fantasy- and I think, even as a child, I was aware of that. "Travel exotic locals, sleep with beautiful women without fear of commitment, and kill people without hesitation- it's all OK because you're the good guy!"
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| Did Flemming realise he would be glamourising a psychopath? |
So, in a list that rather pointedly does NOT include James Bond, here's my very own Top Ten of silver-screen spies;
10. Major Smith (Where Eagles Dare)
A man whose cover was so deep, not even his closest allies knew whose side he was on. The closest Bond ever got to 'under cover' was, well, insert your own joke here.
9. George Smiley - (Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy)
Proof, if any were needed, that brains as well as brawn are required in the spy arena. Bond never had to spend much time working out who was good and who was bad- he just looked for a white cat or a black roll-neck.
8. Emma Peel (the Avengers)
A woman with more sass and sex-appeal than any Bond girl.Or Bond, for that matter.
7. K (Men in Black)
A man whose dry, sardonic wit leaves Bond looking like a stuttering moron.The best Bond could manage was a smirk and a pun, we can all do that.
6. Nikita (La Femme Nikita)
A reluctant spy who wanted nothing more than to leave behind the violence and lead a normal life.Bond, by comparison, seems to enjoy his job a little too much.
5. William "Billy" Costigan (The Departed)
In stark contrast to Bond's cool bravado, Costigan proved that to be brave you first need to be scare- but he still kept a steady hand.
4. Harry Tasker (True Lies)
A Bond send-up who was actually a damn site more humble. Tasker also had a woman in his life he actually loved, and while his job required the odd bit of flirting one's left with the feeling he remained faithful throughout.
3. Mr Lee (Enter The Dragon)
Bruce Lee, playing Bruce Lee, simultaneously pretending to be and also being better than James Bond- what's not to like? Bruce Lee wouldn't have struggled much with Agent Grant...
2. Ethan Hunt (Mission Impossible)
What's to say? His stunts are better, his stories are more interesting, and he gets the best results by working in a team.Bond may be the starting point, Ethan is certainly that theory more evolved.
1. Jack Bauer (24)
Probably the most gritty and realistic portrayal of a 'secret agent', ever.
An honorable mention goes out to Hauser (Total Recall), "Best mind fuck yet", and Marvel's own Nick Fury. Yes, I know Bourne isn't on the list, this is not an oversight, as if I haven't courted controversy enough already in this post, I don't rate the Bourne films. I've not seen Bridge of Spies yet, and I've not counted any 'real' spies, so nothing like Zero Dark Thirty either. What do you guys think, have I missed any?
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