TRANSFORMERS; Carlisle's Final Word

"But like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war..."

Optimus Prime

In the end, does it really matter what this is?

Script Logic; 0/0

Pace; 1/2

Acting;0/0

Aesthetic; 2/2

Originality & Intention; 0/0

Final Score; 3/10


Final Word: I'm too out of time for any big review here, but in-a-nutshell- a crass, soulless, remorseless and cynical cash-cow.

"EXCUSE ME, MA'AM; JUST THE FACTS..."

Brett Chase. LA Confidential (1997).

So I got to thinking a while back (before the fucking computer went down and took about 5 years of writing with it) 'is it possible to have a completely unprejudiced way inwhich to measure a film?' After all, even the best critics (myself included, obviously) are never going to be impartial judges.

I knocked this thought around in the ol' noggin for a while and formulated a plan: what if all the seperate components used to judge a film were taken into consideration and given equal weight? Then a score could be allocated to each. What could be simpler than a 3 rank system; poor, average, good? Ask someone to answer a simple question, and they'll usually give a varient on these 3 replies.

This, my friends, is the result: CARLISLE'S FINAL WORD.

Fair, accurate and undeniable... Hopefully.

Here's how it works.

Choose a film. Got one? Good. Now, try to be fair with yourself or this will fall-flat.

Let's look at the script's internal logic. Did the story make sense within the confines of the world the film is set? Another way to look at that is 'was it full of stupid plot-holes?' Now we give the film a score between 0 and 2 (‘poor’, 'average' or 'good').

• Did the film make perfect sense? 2 points.
• Sort of worked, a little logic is disregarded to reach a satisfying climax? 1 point.
• The film had more holes than a net? 0 points.

Now the pacing...

• Were you on the edge of your seat the whole while? 2 points.
• Glanced at your watch a few times, getting a numb bum, drawn into a conversation? 1 point.
• Bored? 0 points.

Budget. Was it all up there on the screen for you to admire and ogle, or did the film feel a little 'made for TV'? It's a fair question, presentation matters. You may be thinking this puts small budget films at a disadvantage? Yes, it does. But bear in mind, that's only going to make a very small difference, it just won't be a perfect film, and you may even love it more for this.

• Were the sets and effects completely believable, given the constraints of the time it was made? Yes? 2 points.

• Workmanlike. They did the job, nothing more. Not a 'game changer'. 1 point.

• Laughable, distracting, lazy- even for a no-budget film. 0 points.

Alright, almost done. How about the acting?

• Was it all completely believable, did it serve the nature of the film (if it was a comedy, were the stars actually funny)? Yes? 2 points.

• Most of it held up, a few duff performances but nothing that ruined the film. 1 point.

• Bad. All bad. Transformers bad. 0 points.

This is the last question now, and it's possibly the most subversive. Did the film set out what it intended to achieve? This is the question most open to public debate. If the film was meant to be thought provoking, or funny, or exciting, or action packed, was it? I've seen too many action films that had no action, to many thrillers that didn't thrill, too many horrors that didn't scare, and too many 'thought provoking' films that just said the same bullshit over and over again (yes, war is bad. I know that). Otherwise, was it original?

• The film did exactly what it intended to do in a fresh and inventive way. 2 points.

• Yeah, but it's nothing you havn't seen a 100 times before. 1 point.

• Completely missed the mark. 0 points.

You should now be left with a total, and rather handily the total (or mark) will be out of 10- see what I did there? Looks like a lot, but it's actually idiotically simple.

A score of 0 is a total abomination.
1-3 is crap, avoid it.
4-6 is worth catching if it's on TV, or you have nothing better to do.
7-9 is excellent, worth the price of cinema admission.
A score of 10 is a perfect film, a very very rare thing.

You can't argue with the facts!

So, I'll be using this format, and on occasion a more in depth analysis (particually newer releases), to churn out reviews in a speedy fashion. Enjoy either reluctantly agreeing or disagreeing with the results, but it has to be said that at least it's more impartial than most reviews.

It's worth pointing out I'd tried and tested this theory on over 100 films, and the results weren't always obvious. Hell, some of my favourite films come off at worse than I'd hoped, but the sad truth is it's a fair (if brutal) assessment. That says something for individual tastes.

"It's much easier to win an argument when you start out by being right"

Irish wisdom.

"I JUST NEED TO KNOW ONE THING..."

Pvt. Vasquez. Aliens (1986).

So, welcome to the blog.

Admittedly this isn’t my first entry because the previous posts have been ripped directly from my Facebook page. At the repeated urging of some close friends (probably because they were getting fed up with being tagged in notes) I’ve taken up this blogging lark. Hopefully I'll find the time to keep it up...

Rather than a description of me and all that other dull stuff nobody really cares for, maybe the best way for you to understand who I am is by looking at my taste in films? Let’s see if you and I are going to get along… Ok, here goes.


My 10 favourite films:

Given in alphabetical order because I can’t actually decide in what order I prefer them. Without going too much into detail, I’ll highlight why they made the list.

Aliens

Not every sequel is inferior to it’s predecessor, and in place of Ridley Scott’s claustrophobic chiller James Cameron serves up a  rollacoaster thrill ride. Top quality acting, a slick script and special effects that still hold up well even today.


Big Trouble In Little China

Not to be dismissed simply as trashy fun, this is chock-full of spot-on performances from the cast, quirky effects and cool-as-hell martial arts (pre Crouching Tiger). Plenty of witty quick-fire dialogue and a break-neck pace tie every ludicrous plot development into one terminally hip package, and the inversion of the  hero / sidekick relationship (the hero is a likeable meat-head, while the sidekick is infinitely more capable and knowledgeable) creates some of the most comical moments. Like ol' Jack Burton always says, "Infinitely quotable".


Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid

It really doesn’t matter if you like westerns, this is still well worth a look. Although some of the scenes may feel a little dated (especially the mid-point montage) the film is held together on the chemistry of it’s central characters, rarely has an on-screen friendship ever felt so sincere. Heart-warming, funny and poignant.


Children Of Men

Criminally overlooked. Clive Owen is perfectly cast as the central protagonist, a desperate man completely out of his depth but striving to do the right thing. The premise is haunting and the near-future setting credible and low-key, and added into the mix are some amazingly choreographed long-take action sequences.


Inception

What’s not to like? An interesting premise, well rounded characters and bucket loads of action. Although initially a major success there was something of a backlash (and perhaps some of the criticism leveled at it is fair), but in time this will be remembered as the film that proved Summer blockbusters don’t have to be brain-dead to make money. Take note Michael Bay.


Pan’s Labyrinth

I can’t see a world where this fails to make my top ten. It’s a fairytale for grown ups that combines achingly beautiful visuals, genuine creepiness and the brutality of War into one heart-felt tale. It's impossible not to be moved by the little girl who feels like she was meant for more. Also, the acting is top notch. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so!


Raiders Of The Lost Arc

It’s fun. It’s exciting. It’s action packed. Old fashioned story-telling at it’s best, and a central character who would become an icon for every child of my generation. And who could forget that soundtrack? To be honest, I was torn between including either this or The Last Crusade, but this came first- so extra points for that.


Robocop

People usually find this an odd choice, but this isn’t just a bruisingly violent and darkly comical B-movie: it's a scathingly satirical look at the commercialisation and privatisation of the world we live in today, and considering the year it was made- frighteningly accurate (save for the giant killer-robots). And as if that weren't enough, according to it's endearingly eccentric European director Paul Verhoeven it's also an American retelling of the Jesus Christ story... With guns.


The Empire Strikes Back

Back before Lucas went and molested the three classics, and before urinating across the gravestone of their memory with the prequels, the Star Wars trilogy were highly regarded fantasy adventures. Simply put, Empire strikes Back was the best of the three; better effects, bigger battles, cooler light-saber fighting, more character development, a doomed romance and a harrowing revelation for a major character. And no fucking Ewoks. Admittedly, they don't really hold up to astute adult audiences today, but Star Wars for me is about leaving your reservations at the door and revisiting your childhood- and nothing else brings me back to my youth faster than that intro...

It’s true that you can learn just as much, perhaps even more, about a person from what they dislike to what they prefer. With that pearl of wisdom in mind, I now present...


My 10 worst films:

Again, these are given in alphabetical order because I can’t decide in what order I most loath these abominations…

A Serbian Film

Why the fuck does this film even exist? I don't buy the whole "it's a statement about the horror of war" bullshit. You want to deliver an anti-war message? Then make a war movie! Politics do not justify this deranged and spiteful mess of a film. I've got a strong stomach, and I'm (generally speaking) for freedom of expression, but this was just sickeningly moronic cruelty for nothing other than shock value.

By way of example, and I feel I need to do this, simply so you don't think I'm being over dramatic. Contains spoilers, but hey, you don't care because you're not going to watch this film, are you? The man on the right is the hero. At this moment in time he is under the effects of a drug that increase his sex drive and reduce his control. He is raping his 12 year old son. The hooded man besides him is secretly his brother, who has helped mastermind this situation. The brother is currently raping the hero's wife. Just your typical day in Serbia then.

AVP Requiem

Where to begin. This offends me on so many levels, and I've moaned about this for so long and so often that even I'm bored of hearing myself going on about it. Basically, I was a big Predator fan, and an even bigger Alien fan. I loved the old Dark Horse comics and I liked playing the PC game. So imagine my excitement when I heard the first film was being made. Imagine my disappointment when I heard who was directing it. Imagine how depressed I was when I actually sat down to watch it. And, unable to let an old scab heal, I rented out the sequel. How could anybody have made a worse film? Actually, this film deserves an article in it's own right, just to address all the ways this completely missed the mark. And the 'maternity ward' scene, what the hell were they thinking?


Freddie Got Fingered

Fuck. Me. With a chainsaw. Marginally funnier than Cancer. Marginally.


Hostel

Like A Serbian Film, this is lazy film making in the extreme. Only exists because it's much easier to depress and disgust than it is to actually scare people, and because some people are too fucking stupid to know the difference. The only thing that scares me about this film is that some people out there actually 'enjoyed' it. At least the Guinea Pig films (from Japan) don't mess about with the pretense of plot, which is somehow commendably honest by comparison.


In Time

For a future where time is money and people are dropping dead in the street, there sure seems to be a lot of people drinking expensive things like coffee and beer, I'd be on a diet of pasta and tap water. Also, everyone is toned and looking too fresh-from-the-salon for my liking? What, are gym memberships free in the future? Most infuriating of all, there was the germ of a good story in here somewhere...


Inglorious Bastards

So much hype for so little. Ethically misjudged, self-congratulatory, overly self indulgent and overly long. When will Tarantino learn that ripping off other films and sticking the resulting mess together does not constitute a film! Like Frankenstein, sewing things together and pumping them full of electricity does not create life, it creates shambling a monster.


Martyrs

Oh God, here we go again. Needless, brutal, shocking and ultimately a hollow and pointless experience. And French. The shame here is that the first 30 minutes of the film leads you to believe that this is an entirely different creature: a spooky ghost, a possibly insane antagonist, and the massacre of a family who are either completely innocent or evil beyond belief is a tense set-up, but one that goes absolutely nowhere.


Saw 3

Let me make this perfectly clear: Saw 1 was a very good film. Not exactly what you'd call a horror, more a serial-killer thriller along the same lines as Se7en- sinister and thought provoking. Sure, it was gory (and hey, I'm fine with gore), but it served the plot and never felt unnecessary.  How it ever became the imagination-void of torture porn that it is now is beyond my reasoning. Saw 3 is where I stopped watching and found something better to do.


Transformers

A though free character-vacuum filled with nothing but mindless noise and over cluttered CGI. A film where both the lead male and female characters are overshadowed by the lead female's arse.

So, there you have it. That should give you a fairly good idea of who your dealing with and where I stand. Hopefully we’re reading from the same page, or at the very least the same book. I realise this probably looks like I'm set against the horror genre, but that's not true, I'm actually a really big horror fan (when it's done right).


‘What can I expect to find here in the future?’ 

You may well be thinking that. Well, I already have a few ideas I’d like to work on.

A look at the phenomenon of over-hype, and how high expectations can undermine a film’s success. Then perhaps a sly look at film spoilers- the type that can totally destroy your first-time viewing experience. Then an expose on some of the most soul-destroying films of all time, the type that leave you dead inside- and my thoughts on whether films like this are even necessary, or are they just ‘harshening our buzz’? And while we’re still up-beat and in a positive frame of mind, I’d like to present my argument on why modern horror has lost it’s way. That leads nicely into the subject of remakes- huge amounts of which are pouring out of America right now, and a closer look at the success rate of these will prove (hopefully definitively) that Hollywood needs to buck-up its game. To balance the scales I’ll also be addressing my top-ten feel-good films- a refreshing alternative to sitting at home and cutting yourself to 'feel alive'. I’ll also take a long good look at family films, so that (if like me) you find yourself in need of a child-friendly movie then I can help you find one that wont induce a tumor but is still fun for the little-ones. Finally, I’d also like to review and champion some overlooked film gems, as well as addressing some of the more main-stream stuff out there.

 So, basically I’ll be addressing a whole range of topics; some serious, others less so, but all covered in an every-day / common-guy fashion. Rest easy, this is an ‘ostentatious-free’ blog. Hopefully some of this sounds appealing? Thanks for reading either way, and I hope you come back soon.

“Tell your friends about me.”

Batman. Batman (1989)

Paul Michael Carlisle.