*Televangelist. Dawn Of The Dead
(2004).
I can't claim credit for this, an article by David Wong, posted October 29, 2007- as seen on CRACKED.CO. Just thought it was worth sharing. So break out your 'Boom-Sticks', things could turn nasty...
A countdown of the top 5 reasons, in reverse order of likelihood, for a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE...
#5. Brain Parasites
As seen in ... Resident Evil IV
What are they?
Parasites
that turn victims into mindless, zombie-like slaves are fairly common
in nature. There's one called toxoplasmosa gondii that seems to devote
its entire existence to being terrifying.
This bug infects rats,
but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. The parasite knows it
needs to get the rat inside the cat (yes, we realize this sounds like
the beginning of the most fucked-up Dr. Seuss poem ever) so the parasite
takes over the rat's freaking brain, and intentionally makes it scurry
toward where the cats hang out. The rat is being programmed to get
itself eaten, and it doesn't even know.
Of course, those are just rats, right?
How it can result in zombies?
Hey,
did we mention that half the human population on Earth is infected with
toxoplasmosa, and don't know it? Hey, maybe you're one of them. Flip a
coin.
Oh, also, they've done studies and shown that the infected
see a change in their personality and have a higher chance of going
batshit insane.
Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
Humans
and rats aren't all that different; that’s why they use them to test
our drugs. All it takes is a more evolved version of toxoplasmosa, one
that could to do us what it does to the rats. So, imagine if half the
world suddenly had no instinct for self-preservation or rational
thought. Even less than they do now, we mean.
If you're comforting
yourself with the thought that it may take forever for such a parasite
to evolve, you're forgetting about all the biological weapons programs
around the world, intentionally weaponizing such bugs. You've got to
wonder if the lab workers don't carry out their work under the unwitting
command of the toxoplasmosa gondii already in their brains. If you
don't want to sleep at night, that is.
You may be protesting that
technically these people have never been dead and thus don't fit the
dictionary definition of "zombies," but we can assure you that the
distinction won't matter a whole lot once these groaning hordes are
clawing their way through your windows.
#4. Neurotoxins
As seen in ... The movie The Serpent and the Rainbow, the Resident Evil 5 video game.
What are they?
There
are certain kinds of poisons that slow your bodily functions to the
point that you'll be considered dead, even to a doctor (okay, maybe not
to a good doctor). The poison from fugu (Japanese blowfish) can do this.
The victims can then be brought back under the effects of a drug like
datura stramonium (or other chemicals called alkaloids) that leave them
in a trance-like state with no memory, but still able to perform simple
tasks like eating, sleeping, moaning and shambling around with their
arms outstretched.
How it can result in zombies?
"Can?"
How about "does." This stuff has happened in Haiti; that's where the
word "zombie" comes from. There are books about it, the most famous ones
by Dr. Wade Davis (Passage of Darkness and The Serpent and the
Rainbow). Yes, the movie The Serpent and the Rainbow was based on this
guy's actual science stuff. How much of it was fact? Well, there was
that one scene where they strapped the guy naked to a chair and drove a
huge spike through his balls. We're hoping that part wasn't true.
What
is definitely true is the story of Clairvius Narcisse. He was a Haitian
guy who was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962. They found
him wandering around the village 18 years later. It turned out the
local voodoo priests had been using naturally occurring chemicals to
basically zombify people and putting them to work on the sugar
plantations (no, really).
So, the next time you're pouring a
little packet of sugar into your coffee, remember that it may have been
handled by a zombie at some point.
Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
On
the one hand, it's already fucking happened! So that earns it some
street cred right off the bat. But, even if some evil genius
intentionally distributed alkaloid toxins to a population to turn them
into a shambling, mindless horde, there is no way to make these zombies
aggressive or cannibalistic.
Yet.
#3. The Real Rage Virus
As seen in ...28 Days Later
What is it?
In
the movie, it was a virus that turned human beings into mindless
killing machines. In real life, we have a series of brain disorders that
do the same thing. They were never contagious, of course. Then, Mad Cow
Disease came along. It attacks the cow's spinal cord and brain, turning
it into a stumbling, mindless attack cow. And, when humans eat the
meat...
How it can result in zombies?
When Mad Cow gets in humans, they call it Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Check out the symptoms:
Changes in gait (walking)
Hallucinations
Lack of coordination (for example, stumbling and falling)
Muscle twitching
Myoclonic jerks or seizures
Rapidly developing delirium or dementia
Sure,
the disease is rare (though maybe not as rare as we think) and the
afflicted aren't known to chase after people in murderous mobs. Yet.
But, it proves widespread brain infections of the Rage variety are just a
matter of waiting for the right disease to come along.
Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
If
the whole sudden, mindless violence idea seems far-fetched, remember
that you are just one brain chemical (serotonin) away from turning into a
mindless killing machine (they've tested it by putting rats in
Deathmatch-style cages and watching them turn on each other). All it
would take is a disease that destroys the brain's ability to absorb that
one chemical and suddenly it's a real-world 28 Days Later.
So,
imagine such an evolved disease, which we'll call Super Mad Cow (or,
Madder Cow) getting a foothold through the food supply. Say this disease
spreads through blood-on-blood contact, or saliva-on-blood contact. Now
you have a Rage-type virus that can be transmitted with a bite.
Just like the movie. With one bite, you're suddenly the worst kind of zombie: A fast zombie.
#2. Neurogenesis
As seen in ... Laboratories around the world.
What is it?
You
know all that conversy out there about stem cell research? Well, the
whole thing with stem cells is that they can basically be used to
re-generate dead cells. Particularly of interest to zombologists like
ourselves is neurogenesis, the method by which they can re-grow dead
brain tissue.
You can see where this is going.
How it can result in zombies?
You wanted the undead to make an appearance in this article? Well, here you go, you creepy bastards.
Science
can pretty much save you from anything but brain death; they can swap
out organs but when the brain turns to mush, you're gone. Right?
Well,
not for long. They're already able to re-grow the brains of comatose
head trauma patients until they wake up and walk around again.
Couple
that with the new ability to keep a dead body in a state of suspended
animation so that it can be brought back to life later, and soon we'll
be able to bring back the dead, as long as we get to them quickly
enough.
That sounds great, right? Well, this lab dedicated to
"reanimation research" (yes, that's what they call it) explains how the
process of "reanimating" a person creates a problem. It causes the brain
to die off from the outside in. The outside being the cortex, the nice
part of you that makes humans human. That just leaves the part that
controls basic motor function and primitive instincts behind.
You
don't need the cortex to survive; all you need is the stem and you'll
still be able to mindlessly walk and eat and enjoy Grey's Anatomy. This
is how chickens can keep walking around after they've been beheaded
(including one case where the chicken lived for 18 months without a
head).
So, you take a brain dead patient, use these techniques to
re-grow the brain stem, and you now have a mindless body shambling
around, no thoughts and no personality, nothing but a cloud of base
instincts and impulses.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call a real, live, undead fucking zombie. So there.
Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
Think
about it. Under every legal system in the world, all rights and
responsibilities are terminated at death. All it takes is someone with
resources and a need for a mindless workforce of totally obedient slave
labor.
How long until somebody tries this?
We're betting somebody in the world, maybe North Korea, will have a working zombie by Christmas.
Finally...
#1. Nanobots
As seen in... Michael Crichton's novel Prey, The PS2 game Nano Breaker
What are they?
Nanobots
are a technology that science apparently engineered to make you
terrified of the future. We're talking about microscopic,
self-replicating robots that can invisibly build--or destroy--anything.
Vast sums of money are being poured into nanotechnology. Sure, at some
level scientists know nanobots will destroy mankind. They just can't
resist seeing how it happens.
How it can result in zombies?
Scientists
have already created a nano-cyborg, by fusing a tiny silicone chip to a
virus. The first thing they found out is these cyborgs can still
operate for up to a month after the death of the host. Notice how nano
scientists went right for zombification, even at this early stage. They
know where the horror is.
According to studies, within a decade
they'll have nanobots that can crawl inside your brain and set up neural
connections to replace damaged ones. That's right; the nanobots will be
able to rewire your thoughts. What could possibly go wrong?
Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
Do the math, people.
Some
day there will be nanobots in your brain. Those nanobots will be
programmed to keep functioning after you die. They can form their own
neural pathways, meaning they can use your brain to keep operating your
limbs after you've deceased and, presumably, right up until you rot to
pieces in mid-stride.
The nanobots will be programmed to
self-replicate, and the death of the host will mean the end of the
nanobots. To preserve themselves, they'd need to transfer to a new host.
Therefore, the last act of the nanobot zombie would be to bite a hole
in a healthy victim, letting the nanobots steam in and set up camp in
the new host. Once in, they can shut down the part of the brain that
resists (the cortex) and leave the brain stem intact. They will have
added a new member to the unholy army of the undead.
Now,
it should be more than clear by this point that our goal is to be
responsible researchers. We don't want to create a panic here. All we're
saying is that on an actual day on the actual calendar in the future,
runaway microscopic nanobots will end civilization by flooding the
planet with the cannibalistic undead. Science has proven it!
