“I’M BATMAN”

Batman (1989).

Can he take all his criticism 'on the chin', as it were?

Ben Affleck’s character in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (Holden McNeil) once said; 

"The Internet is a communications tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another… This is a site populated by militant movie buffs: sad, pathetic, little bastards living in their parents' basement, downloading scripts and what they think is inside information about movies and actors they claim to despise yet can't stop discussing."

Truer word not said, anyone?

I’ll admit, I’m not bowled over by the news Ben Affleck is the new Batman, but I’ve had something of a rethink since my initial “what the fuck”. Let’s face it, he’s not the worst suggestion yet, is he? Michael Keaton was 5-foot-something and had no chin, but we all remember him fondly, and less said about Clooney and Kilmer the better!

So long as Mr. Affleck takes the character in a new direction to Nolan’s work then we may have hope of something worthwhile, perhaps something a little more self-aware, with a glint of sly humor...  You can’t out-Bale Christian Bale, best not to even try.

We can't change it, only the worst kind of nerd would expect an on-line petition to make any difference, so let's just embrace it and hope for the best... At least Affleck has the chin for it.

Watch this space.

ONLY GOD FORGIVES; Carlisle's Final Word.

“Time to meet the Devil” 

Billy.

New meaning to the phrase "mother fucker"...

Script Logic; 1/2

Pace; 0/2

Acting; 2/2

Aesthetic; 2/2

Originality & Intention; 1/2

Final Score; 6/10

Again, I’m at a bit of a loss as to how I can evaluate this one. On the one hand, it’s an aesthetic triumph of style; a lavish neon -nightmare of Oriental cityscapes and a kaleidoscope of surreal and sparse imagery. On the other hand, the plot takes forever going nowhere and makes as much sense as a bucket of pink eels. Instead of a movie in the conventional sense of narrative and character, this is more an experiment in tone and unspoken words, all disguised as an unpleasant crime thriller. And unpleasant is definitely the word for it; hardly any of the characters are what you’d call likeable, which makes relating to anything on screen (already alienating because of the intentional style of the film) almost impossible. 

This is the kind of fever-pitched dream you might expect if you watched Drive, Hamlet and Scarface back-to-back under the influence of narcotics. The film hints at a depth beyond all its surface polish, but I think in reality that depth is either an illusion or wishful thinking on the part of art-house critics, eager to applaud something they cannot really understand, so as not to look dense to their peers.

 “Billy raped and killed a sixteen year old girl.”

Julian.

 “I'm sure he had his reasons.”

Crystal.

DRIVE; Carlisle's Final Word.

“If I drive for you, you get your money.”

Driver.

Care for another toothpick Ryan?

Script Logic; 1/2

Pace; 1/2

Acting; 1/2

Aesthetic; 2/2

Originality & Intention; 1/2

Final Score; 6/10

My other half went through something of a Ryan Gosling phase (sure it had nothing to do with his irritating good-looks or his talent), so we ended up watching this and Only God Forgives. She also watched A Place Beyond The Pines, but I missed that. Never mind.

Of this and Only God Forgives (my Gosling double-bill) this was the more coherent. The majority of the acting is excellent, with great support from Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston and Albert Brooks (slightly more slimy and sinister here than in Finding Nemo). This time, however, it’s Ryan Gosling who lets the side down; his ‘mysterious stuntman driver’ is pitched somewhere between extrovert and autistic, and neither the director nor Gosling seem to have worked out which it is. Is he either a shy confidence-challenged recluse who can barely say two words to the girl he adores from afar, or, is he the kind of “look at me everyone” dick who wears a white leather jacket with a scorpion emblazoned across the back and chews a toothpick? Those are two very different directions for one character… Aside from that, the film tells a fairly by-the-numbers story of double crossing petty crooks and robbers, and all that sets it apart from the others of its ilk is a more thoughtful pace and a pointless 80’s setting (not that this is ever relevant to anything except the overall look and soundtrack). Still, you’ll be entertained while it’s on; it’s only afterwards that you realise there was no surprises and you’ve seen this all before only better. 

Perhaps it would be more enjoyable if it wasn’t let down by its many pretensions, perhaps the most irritating of all is the film's refusing to give the main character a name. Why even do that? It’s not clever. He's hardly an 'Everyman' as that would imply...

"YOU ONCE SPOKE TO ME ABOUT INTELLIGENCE..."

Peter Parker (Spiderman 2).

I had to see it to believe it... Fuck me; Mecha-Rhino! And so it came to pass that the Spiderman franchise came crashing down.

Words fail me.

GALLOW WALKERS; Carlisle's Final Word

“Trouble with the damned is... they never stay put.”

Aman.

Mr Snipes a'la western mode. Cool.

Script Logic; 0/2

Pace; 0/2

Acting; 1/2

Aesthetic; 2/2

Originality & Intention; 1/2

Final Score; 4/10

Final Word: If the thought of Wesley Snipes as a cowboy fighting a bunch of zombies doesn’t fill your heart with a certain amount of joy, then, quite frankly, you’re beyond hope. But instead of the trashy thrills teased at by a promising trailer we get this dull effort… Gallow Walkers suffers from that worst of all sins for any aspiring B-movie- it takes itself waaaaay too seriously; there’s not a glib one-liner or single humorous touch, which is pretty much vital for a film that’s about cowboys Vs. zombies. The film would have been better served by emulating classics such as Escape from New York, The Quick and The Dead, Army Of Darkness and perhaps most importantly (and this would seem an obvious choice to some) Blade! Because, and let’s be completely honest about this, Gallow Walkers should have played-out more like ‘Blade in the Wild West’, and that would have been wholly gratifying.

Among its many other problems are a weak central villain, a tedious back-story (distastefully revolving round a gang-rape), a coma-inducing pace and poor editing (seriously, it needs to be seen to be disbelieved- characters, props and locations disappear and reappear mid-conversation). Co-star Taint Phoenix, here playing generic tart-in-a-corset has little to do other than look beautiful as the 'captive in despair' and jut her cleavage into every shot possible, including the shots she’s not actually in. That’s not even an exaggeration. Like most of the other characters, Taint has absolutely nothing to do here and no bearing on the plot, to the extent that removing her character entirely would make no discernible difference to the film.

Despite its failings the film can at least boast some stunning visual touches (nothing about the film looks cheap, despite its meager budget) and inspired ideas, such as; a zombie giant who protects his head with a metal bucket (Like a Silent Hill inspired re-imagining of Ned Kelly), and another who’s face is a patchwork of lizard hide because it stands up better to the dessert heat than human skin.

A criminally wasted effort, and like many of its antagonists- dead on arrival.

DRIVE ANGRY; Carlisle's Final Word.

“Thank you, Webster. I don't believe I'll be having that beer just now. Not unless I'm drinking it from Jonah King's skull.” 

Milton.

Driving Miss Daisy this is not.

Script Logic; 1/2

Pace; 1/2

Acting; 1/2

Aesthetic; 1/2

Originality & Intention; 2/2

Final Score; 6/10

Final Word: I think I knew what to expect when I watched the trailer, which I have to admit made me grin despite myself. It’s loud, obnoxious, trashy, inane, politically incorrect, but hey? That’s sort of the point. Nicholas Cage stars as Nicholas Cage (although, oddly, sometimes the other characters call him Milton), a typical leather-clad bad-ass who has, literally, driven out of Hell in a classic-car, in order to track down the man who killed his daughter and plans to sacrifice his grand child to Satan. Cage then hooks up with diner waitress Amber Heard (because all waitresses look like Playboy Bunnies in America) and is pursued by Satan’s agent ‘The Accountant’, played brilliantly by William Fichtner- who steals every scene he’s in and is undoubtedly the film’s highlight.

It’s exactly what you’d expect a film called Drive Angry to be- a combination of Mad Max, The Crow and every Meat Loaf music video ever made.

Unfortunately, the film has a predisposition for blatant misogyny and is a little too ‘nasty’ to ever truly be whole-heated fun, which is a shame because (if you’re in the right mood) there’s a lot on offer to laugh at.