Friday, 25 May 2012

"I ADMIRE ITS PURITY"

Ash. Alien (1979)

Why am I not more excited by this film?

Growing up I was the biggest fan of the Alien films. Alien was atmospheric and creepy, Aliens was a white-knuckle action film. I'm one of the few people who actually enjoy Alien 3, an underrated thriller plagued by behind-the-scenes drama (so much so that it's miraculous they wrestled a film out of it at all). Less said about Alien Resurrection the better, and then the Aliens Vs Predator franchise killed the thing stone dead... Story over, or so I thought.

Then, out of nowhere, there's talk of starting over with a remake. Then talk of Ridley Scott and James Cameron working together for a sequel. I dismissed that as 'too good to be true', and indeed it was. But the rumors of Scott still being on for the project persisted. Then they were confirmed, for a prequel. I was interested. It was an obvious decision really; if you can't go forward, go backwards.

Then something strange happened. Suddenly it wasn't an Alien project at all, it was unrelated. Then it was. And then it wasn't again. Finally it 'was and it wasn't'. Glad they cleared that up.



So this is where we are now: it's set in the same world as Alien, before the first Alien film, but it won't feature the Alien. They (by this I mean the cast and Ridley Scott himself) still pretentiously proclaim that it's not a prequel. that's an argument for another day, and probably worth a post in its own right*.

From what I gather, an expedition is assembled to investigate the possibility that UFOs had come to our planet during the dawn of mankind- and are possibly responsible for our being here. They trace the UFO to a distant planet by deciphering the clues in caveman paintings and stumble across the crashed ship from the first Alien film. From that point in the proverbial 'shit hits the wall'.



Nice idea. It's had an intriguing viral marketing campaign, it's got a top-notch cast including Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender and Guy Pearce, a spooky trailer (no coincidence that it's very similar to the first Alien trailer, and I'm positive that's the same music), a director who (despite some absolute turkeys in his career) I still admire, and it's set in a world that i adore.

So, again I ask you, Why am I not more excited by this film?



Is it that I can't get my head around it being set in the same world as Alien, only without the titular monster? Is it that it just looks a bit self-important? Is it that I'm pretty sure I can already see where the film will draw it's conclusion (that like the Alien of the previous films, the human race are some form of biological weapon)? Is it that I've lost faith in Scott as a director after Kingdom Of Heaven and Robin Hood? Is it that I hear the studio is forcing them to cut it at a 12A to get a bigger audience?

What the hell is my problem? I should be eating this up.



Anyway, here's the three minute trailer. Hope you enjoy it more than I did.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIJeQNyZ6VE&feature=relmfu


* A note for Ridley Scott (I'm sure he'll read this at some point). If it's set in the same world, features some of the same characters, the same technology, and the same ship, then it's a prequel. End of argument really. That, and you've had to credit the original writers of the first Alien film, which also confirms that this is indeed a prequel... Enjoy your millions, don't mess this up!




And just what the hell is this???

Thursday, 24 May 2012

"I JUST NEED TO KNOW ONE THING..."

Pvt. Vasquez. Aliens (1986).

So, welcome to the blog.



Admittedly this isn’t my first entry because the previous posts have been ripped directly from my Facebook page. At the repeated urging of some close friends (probably because they were getting fed up with being tagged in notes) I’ve taken up this blogging lark. Hopefully I'll find the time to keep it up...

Rather than a description of me and all that other dull stuff nobody really cares for, maybe the best way for you to understand who I am is by looking at my taste in films? Let’s see if you and I are going to get along… Ok, here goes.


My 10 favourite films:

Given in alphabetical order because I can’t actually decide in what order I prefer them. Without going too much into detail, I’ll highlight why they made the list.


Aliens

Not every sequel is inferior to it’s predecessor, and in place of Ridley Scott’s claustrophobic chiller James Cameron serves up a  rollacoaster thrill ride. Top quality acting, a slick script and special effects that still hold up well even today.


Big Trouble In Little China

Not to be dismissed simply as trashy fun, this is chock-full of spot-on performances from the cast, quirky effects and cool-as-hell martial arts (pre Crouching Tiger). Plenty of witty quick-fire dialogue and a break-neck pace tie every ludicrous plot development into one terminally hip package, and the inversion of the  hero / sidekick relationship (the hero is a likeable meat-head, while the sidekick is infinitely more capable and knowledgeable) creates some of the most comical moments. Like ol' Jack Burton always says, "Infinitely quotable".


Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid

It really doesn’t matter if you like westerns, this is still well worth a look. Although some of the scenes may feel a little dated (especially the mid-point montage) the film is held together on the chemistry of it’s central characters, rarely has an on-screen friendship ever felt so sincere. Heart-warming, funny and poignant.


Children Of Men

Criminally overlooked. Clive Owen is perfectly cast as the central protagonist, a desperate man completely out of his depth but striving to do the right thing. The premise is haunting and the near-future setting credible and low-key, and added into the mix are some amazingly choreographed long-take action sequences.


Inception

What’s not to like? An interesting premise, well rounded characters and bucket loads of action. Although initially a major success there was something of a backlash (and perhaps some of the criticism leveled at it is fair), but in time this will be remembered as the film that proved Summer blockbusters don’t have to be brain-dead to make money. Take note Michael Bay.


Pan’s Labyrinth

I can’t see a world where this fails to make my top ten. It’s a fairytale for grown ups that combines achingly beautiful visuals, genuine creepiness and the brutality of War into one heart-felt tale. It's impossible not to be moved by the little girl who feels like she was meant for more. Also, the acting is top notch. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so!


Raiders Of The Lost Arc

It’s fun. It’s exciting. It’s action packed. Old fashioned story-telling at it’s best, and a central character who would become an icon for every child of my generation. And who could forget that soundtrack? To be honest, I was torn between including either this or The Last Crusade, but this came first- so extra points for that.


Robocop

People usually find this an odd choice, but this isn’t just a bruisingly violent and darkly comical B-movie: it's a scathingly satirical look at the commercialisation and privatisation of the world we live in today, and considering the year it was made- frighteningly accurate (save for the giant killer-robots). And as if that weren't enough, according to it's endearingly eccentric European director Paul Verhoeven it's also an American retelling of the Jesus Christ story... With guns.


The Empire Strikes Back

Back before Lucas went and molested the three classics, and before urinating across the gravestone of their memory with the prequels, the Star Wars trilogy were highly regarded fantasy adventures. Simply put, Empire strikes Back was the best of the three; better effects, bigger battles, cooler light-saber fighting, more character development, a doomed romance and a harrowing revelation for a major character. And no fucking Ewoks. Admittedly, they don't really hold up to astute adult audiences today, but Star Wars for me is about leaving your reservations at the door and revisiting your childhood- and nothing else brings me back to my youth faster than that intro...


It’s true that you can learn just as much, perhaps even more, about a person from what they dislike to what they prefer. With that pearl of wisdom in mind, I now present...


My 10 worst films:

Again, these are given in alphabetical order because I can’t decide in what order I most loath these abominations…


A Serbian Film

Why the fuck does this film even exist? I don't buy the whole "it's a statement about the horror of war" bullshit. You want to deliver an anti-war message? Then make a war movie! Politics do not justify this deranged and spiteful mess of a film. I've got a strong stomach, and I'm (generally speaking) for freedom of expression, but this was just sickeningly moronic cruelty for nothing other than shock value.
By way of example, and I feel I need to do this, simply so you don't think I'm being over dramatic. Contains spoilers, but hey, you don't care because you're not going to watch this film, are you? The man on the right is the hero. At this moment in time he is under the effects of a drug that increase his sex drive and reduce his control. He is raping his 12 year old son. The hooded man besides him is secretly his brother, who has helped mastermind this situation. The brother is currently raping the hero's wife. Just your typical day in Serbia then.



AVP Requiem

Where to begin. This offends me on so many levels, and I've moaned about this for so long and so often that even I'm bored of hearing myself going on about it. Basically, I was a big Predator fan, and an even bigger Alien fan. I loved the old Dark Horse comics and I liked playing the PC game. So imagine my excitement when I heard the first film was being made. Imagine my disappointment when I heard who was directing it. Imagine how depressed I was when I actually sat down to watch it. And, unable to let an old scab heal, I rented out the sequel. How could anybody have made a worse film? Actually, this film deserves an article in it's own right, just to address all the ways this completely missed the mark. And the 'maternity ward' scene, what the hell were they thinking?


Freddie Got Fingered

Fuck. Me. With a chainsaw. Marginally funnier than Cancer. Marginally.


Hostel

Like A Serbian Film, this is lazy film making in the extreme. Only exists because it's much easier to depress and disgust than it is to actually scare people, and because some people are too fucking stupid to know the difference. The only thing that scares me about this film is that some people out there actually 'enjoyed' it. At least the Guinea Pig films (from Japan) don't mess about with the pretense of plot, which is somehow commendably honest by comparison.


In Time

For a future where time is money and people are dropping dead in the street, there sure seems to be a lot of people drinking expensive things like coffee and beer, I'd be on a diet of pasta and tap water. Also, everyone is toned and looking too fresh-from-the-salon for my liking? What, are gym memberships free in the future? Most infuriating of all, there was the germ of a good story in here somewhere...


Inglorious Bastards

So much hype for so little. Ethically misjudged, self-congratulatory, overly self indulgent and overly long. When will Tarantino learn that ripping off other films and sticking the resulting mess together does not constitute a film! Like Frankenstein, sewing things together and pumping them full of electricity does not create life, it creates shambling a monster.


Martyrs

Oh God, here we go again. Needless, brutal, shocking and ultimately a hollow and pointless experience. And French. The shame here is that the first 30 minutes of the film leads you to believe that this is an entirely different creature: a spooky ghost, a possibly insane antagonist, and the massacre of a family who are either completely innocent or evil beyond belief is a tense set-up, but one that goes absolutely nowhere.


Saw 3

Let me make this perfectly clear: Saw 1 was a very good film. Not exactly what you'd call a horror, more a serial-killer thriller along the same lines as Se7en- sinister and thought provoking. Sure, it was gory (and hey, I'm fine with gore), but it served the plot and never felt unnecessary.  How it ever became the imagination-void of torture porn that it is now is beyond my reasoning. Saw 3 is where I stopped watching and found something better to do.


Transformers

A though free character-vacuum filled with nothing but mindless noise and over cluttered CGI. A film where both the lead male and female characters are overshadowed by the lead female's arse.


So, there you have it. That should give you a fairly good idea of who your dealing with and where I stand. Hopefully we’re reading from the same page, or at the very least the same book. I realise this probably looks like I'm set against the horror genre, but that's not true, I'm actually a really big horror fan (when it's done right).


‘What can I expect to find here in the future?’ 

You may well be thinking that. Well, I already have a few ideas I’d like to work on.
A look at the phenomenon of over-hype, and how high expectations can undermine a film’s success. Then perhaps a sly look at film spoilers- the type that can totally destroy your first-time viewing experience. Then an expose on some of the most soul-destroying films of all time, the type that leave you dead inside- and my thoughts on whether films like this are even necessary, or are they just ‘harshening our buzz’? And while we’re still up-beat and in a positive frame of mind, I’d like to present my argument on why modern horror has lost it’s way. That leads nicely into the subject of remakes- huge amounts of which are pouring out of America right now, and a closer look at the success rate of these will prove (hopefully definitively) that Hollywood needs to buck-up its game. To balance the scales I’ll also be addressing my top-ten feel-good films- a refreshing alternative to sitting at home and cutting yourself to 'feel alive'. I’ll also take a long good look at family films, so that (if like me) you find yourself in need of a child-friendly movie then I can help you find one that wont induce a tumor but is still fun for the little-ones. Finally, I’d also like to review and champion some overlooked film gems, as well as addressing some of the more main-stream stuff out there.
 So, basically I’ll be addressing a whole range of topics; some serious, others less so, but all covered in an every-day / common-guy fashion. Rest easy, this is an ‘ostentatious-free’ blog. Hopefully some of this sounds appealing? Thanks for reading either way, and I hope you come back soon.

“Tell your friends about me.”
Batman. Batman (1989)



Paul Michael Carlisle.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

"RORSCHACH'S JOURNAL"



October 12th, 1985:


Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.


The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"


And I'll whisper "no."

Rorschach. The Watchmen (2009) 



One of my movie-inspired drawings, more of which can be found on the Facebook page: 
Invoke Creative Services.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

"HELL IS OVERFLOWING, AND SATAN IS SENDING HIS DEAD TO US!"


*Televangelist. Dawn Of The Dead (2004).

I can't claim credit for this, an article by David Wong, posted October 29, 2007-  as seen on CRACKED.CO. Just thought it was worth sharing. So break out your 'Boom-Sticks', things could turn nasty...


A countdown of the top 5 reasons, in reverse order of likelihood, for a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE...




#5. Brain Parasites
As seen in ... Resident Evil IV

What are they?
Parasites that turn victims into mindless, zombie-like slaves are fairly common in nature. There's one called toxoplasmosa gondii that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying.
This bug infects rats, but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. The parasite knows it needs to get the rat inside the cat (yes, we realize this sounds like the beginning of the most fucked-up Dr. Seuss poem ever) so the parasite takes over the rat's freaking brain, and intentionally makes it scurry toward where the cats hang out. The rat is being programmed to get itself eaten, and it doesn't even know.
Of course, those are just rats, right?

How it can result in zombies?
Hey, did we mention that half the human population on Earth is infected with toxoplasmosa, and don't know it? Hey, maybe you're one of them. Flip a coin.
Oh, also, they've done studies and shown that the infected see a change in their personality and have a higher chance of going batshit insane.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
Humans and rats aren't all that different; that’s why they use them to test our drugs. All it takes is a more evolved version of toxoplasmosa, one that could to do us what it does to the rats. So, imagine if half the world suddenly had no instinct for self-preservation or rational thought. Even less than they do now, we mean.
If you're comforting yourself with the thought that it may take forever for such a parasite to evolve, you're forgetting about all the biological weapons programs around the world, intentionally weaponizing such bugs. You've got to wonder if the lab workers don't carry out their work under the unwitting command of the toxoplasmosa gondii already in their brains. If you don't want to sleep at night, that is.
You may be protesting that technically these people have never been dead and thus don't fit the dictionary definition of "zombies," but we can assure you that the distinction won't matter a whole lot once these groaning hordes are clawing their way through your windows.




#4. Neurotoxins
As seen in ... The movie The Serpent and the Rainbow, the  Resident Evil 5 video game.

What are they?
There are certain kinds of poisons that slow your bodily functions to the point that you'll be considered dead, even to a doctor (okay, maybe not to a good doctor). The poison from fugu (Japanese blowfish) can do this. The victims can then be brought back under the effects of a drug like datura stramonium (or other chemicals called alkaloids) that leave them in a trance-like state with no memory, but still able to perform simple tasks like eating, sleeping, moaning and shambling around with their arms outstretched.

How it can result in zombies?
"Can?" How about "does." This stuff has happened in Haiti; that's where the word "zombie" comes from. There are books about it, the most famous ones by Dr. Wade Davis (Passage of Darkness and The Serpent and the Rainbow). Yes, the movie The Serpent and the Rainbow was based on this guy's actual science stuff. How much of it was fact? Well, there was that one scene where they strapped the guy naked to a chair and drove a huge spike through his balls. We're hoping that part wasn't true.
What is definitely true is the story of Clairvius Narcisse. He was a Haitian guy who was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962. They found him wandering around the village 18 years later. It turned out the local voodoo priests had been using naturally occurring chemicals to basically zombify people and putting them to work on the sugar plantations (no, really).
So, the next time you're pouring a little packet of sugar into your coffee, remember that it may have been handled by a zombie at some point.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
On the one hand, it's already fucking happened! So that earns it some street cred right off the bat. But, even if some evil genius intentionally distributed alkaloid toxins to a population to turn them into a shambling, mindless horde, there is no way to make these zombies aggressive or cannibalistic.
Yet.




#3. The Real Rage Virus
As seen in ...28 Days Later

What is it?
In the movie, it was a virus that turned human beings into mindless killing machines. In real life, we have a series of brain disorders that do the same thing. They were never contagious, of course. Then, Mad Cow Disease came along. It attacks the cow's spinal cord and brain, turning it into a stumbling, mindless attack cow. And, when humans eat the meat...

How it can result in zombies?
When Mad Cow gets in humans, they call it Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Check out the symptoms:
Changes in gait (walking)
Hallucinations
Lack of coordination (for example, stumbling and falling)
Muscle twitching
Myoclonic jerks or seizures
Rapidly developing delirium or dementia
Sure, the disease is rare (though maybe not as rare as we think) and the afflicted aren't known to chase after people in murderous mobs. Yet. But, it proves widespread brain infections of the Rage variety are just a matter of waiting for the right disease to come along.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
If the whole sudden, mindless violence idea seems far-fetched, remember that you are just one brain chemical (serotonin) away from turning into a mindless killing machine (they've tested it by putting rats in Deathmatch-style cages and watching them turn on each other). All it would take is a disease that destroys the brain's ability to absorb that one chemical and suddenly it's a real-world 28 Days Later.
So, imagine such an evolved disease, which we'll call Super Mad Cow (or, Madder Cow) getting a foothold through the food supply. Say this disease spreads through blood-on-blood contact, or saliva-on-blood contact. Now you have a Rage-type virus that can be transmitted with a bite.
Just like the movie. With one bite, you're suddenly the worst kind of zombie: A fast zombie.




#2. Neurogenesis
As seen in ... Laboratories around the world.

What is it?
You know all that conversy out there about stem cell research? Well, the whole thing with stem cells is that they can basically be used to re-generate dead cells. Particularly of interest to zombologists like ourselves is neurogenesis, the method by which they can re-grow dead brain tissue.
You can see where this is going.

How it can result in zombies?
You wanted the undead to make an appearance in this article? Well, here you go, you creepy bastards.
Science can pretty much save you from anything but brain death; they can swap out organs but when the brain turns to mush, you're gone. Right?
Well, not for long. They're already able to re-grow the brains of comatose head trauma patients until they wake up and walk around again.
Couple that with the new ability to keep a dead body in a state of suspended animation so that it can be brought back to life later, and soon we'll be able to bring back the dead, as long as we get to them quickly enough.
That sounds great, right? Well, this lab dedicated to "reanimation research" (yes, that's what they call it) explains how the process of "reanimating" a person creates a problem. It causes the brain to die off from the outside in. The outside being the cortex, the nice part of you that makes humans human. That just leaves the part that controls basic motor function and primitive instincts behind.
You don't need the cortex to survive; all you need is the stem and you'll still be able to mindlessly walk and eat and enjoy Grey's Anatomy. This is how chickens can keep walking around after they've been beheaded (including one case where the chicken lived for 18 months without a head).
So, you take a brain dead patient, use these techniques to re-grow the brain stem, and you now have a mindless body shambling around, no thoughts and no personality, nothing but a cloud of base instincts and impulses.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call a real, live, undead fucking zombie. So there.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
Think about it. Under every legal system in the world, all rights and responsibilities are terminated at death. All it takes is someone with resources and a need for a mindless workforce of totally obedient slave labor.
How long until somebody tries this?
We're betting somebody in the world, maybe North Korea, will have a working zombie by Christmas.




Finally...

#1. Nanobots
As seen in... Michael Crichton's novel Prey, The PS2 game Nano Breaker

What are they?
Nanobots are a technology that science apparently engineered to make you terrified of the future. We're talking about microscopic, self-replicating robots that can invisibly build--or destroy--anything. Vast sums of money are being poured into nanotechnology. Sure, at some level scientists know nanobots will destroy mankind. They just can't resist seeing how it happens.

How it can result in zombies?
Scientists have already created a nano-cyborg, by fusing a tiny silicone chip to a virus. The first thing they found out is these cyborgs can still operate for up to a month after the death of the host. Notice how nano scientists went right for zombification, even at this early stage. They know where the horror is.
According to studies, within a decade they'll have nanobots that can crawl inside your brain and set up neural connections to replace damaged ones. That's right; the nanobots will be able to rewire your thoughts. What could possibly go wrong?

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse?
Do the math, people.
Some day there will be nanobots in your brain. Those nanobots will be programmed to keep functioning after you die. They can form their own neural pathways, meaning they can use your brain to keep operating your limbs after you've deceased and, presumably, right up until you rot to pieces in mid-stride.
The nanobots will be programmed to self-replicate, and the death of the host will mean the end of the nanobots. To preserve themselves, they'd need to transfer to a new host. Therefore, the last act of the nanobot zombie would be to bite a hole in a healthy victim, letting the nanobots steam in and set up camp in the new host. Once in, they can shut down the part of the brain that resists (the cortex) and leave the brain stem intact. They will have added a new member to the unholy army of the undead.




Now, it should be more than clear by this point that our goal is to be responsible researchers. We don't want to create a panic here. All we're saying is that on an actual day on the actual calendar in the future, runaway microscopic nanobots will end civilization by flooding the planet with the cannibalistic undead. Science has proven it!


Sunday, 29 April 2012

"I'M BATMAN!"

*Batman. Batman (1989).

So, I've been thinking a lot recently... About Batman...





REBOOT:


This year will see the release of Christopher Nolan’s latest take on the mysterious crime-fighter in The Dark Knight Rises. It looks to be a grand-send off, because as we all know, neither he or Christian Bail will be returning to the franchise. I’d normally take that ‘insider knowledge’ with a pinch of salt, but both Nolan and Bale come across as quite serious-minded auteurs who don’t make public declarations lightly (though Bale has obviously taken the odd-job for cash, or how else do you explain Terminator Salvation?).

The cynical amongst you will hardly be surprised to hear a re-boot has already been announced. As in the case of the new Amazing Spiderman (whose reboot was announced just 1 week after the release of Sam Raimi’s Spiderman 3), the metaphorical corpse of this Batman franchise is still warm, and already the carrion are stripping away the meat. This is one opportunity the purse-holders over at Warner Brothers studios, or the top head-sheds from DC Comics, won’t be letting fall by the way-side.

Many have greeted this news with shock and distaste, as I did upon first hearing of the new Spiderman reboot (“you have to be fucking kidding me?”), but these films are an obvious cash-cow and Hollywood is an industry like any other- purely functioning to produce money. Surprisingly, I was forced to eat my own words recently when I admitted that the new Spiderman film showed promise, and in an ideal world maybe this new Batman franchise will pleasantly surprise. We’re still too far off any solid details to speculate, but the future is never a certainty, so it would be unfair to assume the worst.

To be honest though, I think the Batman world has scope for a 10-part big-bucks TV show, maybe something akin to the Sin City film, with all the backdrops bought straight to life from the comics in stylish CGI? But hey, I don’t call the shots (more is the pity).


BATMAN VS BATMAN:



That said, I come to the crux of this brain-spill: what are the better Batman films?

Wait- before you all go reaching for your own answers, it’s not quite that simple.
Firstly (and with good reason) I have stripped away the obvious fodder of George Clooney and Val Kilmer, as well as the campy Adam West. If any of these were you’re your first choice, stop reading here as you have neither the authority or mental aptitude to comment. That leaves us looking at a stand-off between Tim Burton’s deranged gothic dreamscape and the gritty hyper-reality of Christopher Nolan’s vision. One character, and two adaptations that are quite literally polar opposites.

And the question itself demands further scrutiny: ‘what are the better Batman films?’ Are we looking for the best ‘film’ or the most accurate rendition of the comic character? Both answers have validity.


THE COMICS:



First, let’s consider the actual source material. Without regurgitating information that is readily available to people who care, Batman has been around for ages, and with the input of so many different writers his career has been both varied and bizarre. Like all comic book characters, Batman has a 'salad-bar' style mythology, with writers dipping in and choosing which aspects they choose to work with and which to ignore- a conceit that seems to justify continual superhero movie reboots; if it's good enough for the comic writers, then why not the film directors?
I like to break down Batman's comic-book interpretations into 4 categories; the rational, the surreal, the fantastical and anything-goes.

  • ‘Rational’ refers to stories that take place in a fairly grounded setting, where the majority of the super-powers or technology can be explained- a world populated with characters like the Carmine crime family, Harvey Dent, and the Joker. The best example of this world would be the one presented in Batman Year One.


  • ‘Surreal’ refers to stories that take place, if not in a world like our own, then one at least recognisably close to it. Supernatural elements begin to creep in, and characters become capable of feats beyond what is humanly possible- like Poison Ivy and Solomon Grundy. The best example of this world is presented in The Long Halloween.

  • ‘Fantastical’ is exactly what you expect; freeze guns, water pools that offer immortality, vampires, ghosts… Batman once went time-travelling and beat up a shark, that’s all you need to know.

  • Anything Goes. I reserve this for the hideous number of DC crossovers, all of which  technically should fall into the ‘fantastical’ category, except that by there merging they become even more removed from reality! I’m something of a comic puritan, and as unbiased as I’m attempting to be, I can’t hide my dislike for world-merging: I prefer my characters kept separate, it helps suspend my disbelief, and it means pricks like Superman can’t wonder into the middle of my Batman story and screw everything up!

My personal preference for Batman (bias or not, it’s my article so I’ll say what I like) is pitched between the rational and surreal, a niche that allows for some of the more colourful characters to emerge while still forcing the stories to abide by some kind of grounded logic. It allows for a world where a man can dress up as a giant bat for reasons other than visitation rights to his children. I would stress at this point, that although the Nightfall story-arc is set squarely in the Fantastical, it’s still a bloody good read- and thus would be the exception that proves the rule.


XBOX FUN TIME:



Slightly off-topic, but the two most recent Batman games (Arkham and Arkham City), while also both being fantastical, are amazing experiences for the discerning Batman fan- offering a sleek game mechanic that allows for the cunning and stealthy aspects of the character while still allowing for brutal close combat, and offers a genuinely involving (if slightly convoluted) narrative. I defy even the most jaded not to enjoy the Scarecrow section in the first game, or the genuinely shocking climax to the second. It also boasts some striking imagery, which while perhaps a little too science-fiction for some tastes still gives an entertainingly fresh perspective on some classic characters and settings. I’m no consol-bunny, but I can’t recommend them enough!


A WORLD OF IDEAS:



I suppose, back on topic, the thing that all the great stories have in common is ideas. Too many writers concentrate predominantly on the fact that Batman is a superhero and therefore has to routinely crack skulls, yet there is so much in the character and his world to explore. It’s this sort of depth that prevents Batman becoming the one-note character that he is more than often portrayed as, and despite it’s short-term entertainment value it can be very hard to empathise with a misanthrope sociopath. Some of the reoccurring themes are:

  • Madness attracts madness: In a world where there is only one Batman, is it more than coincidence that in all the cities in all the world, the Joker can be found haunting the same streets? When Batman first appeared in Gotham, it was a crime-riddled city much the same as many others, and in the years following his arrival it is now home to some of the most insane and dangerous humans on the planet…

  • The cost: In the course of Batman’s crusade he has lost many allies and lovers, some of which have become ruthless enemies. How many more people can he stand to loose, and how does this either stoke or subside his fury? A man with such a single driven purpose in life must surely reflect on his circumstances, and does the Batman ever question whether his quest is bringing more harm than good to the people he is trying to protect? Batman, despite his appearance, does have feelings, and cares a great deal for those who are caught up in his nightly struggles. The loss of those for whom he cares can be tragically devastating, often warping his judgement for years to come.

  • Driving force:. Many people in this world have been effected by violence, but the majority of them wouldn’t go to such lengths as Batman. Was there something very wrong with the young Bruce Wayne before his parents were ever killed, some genetic failing present (or perhaps absent) in the minds of many other lunatics and serial killers? Is it entirely healthy to dress as a bat and climb rooftops, actively searching out dangerous situations? Perhaps the Batman has more in common with his enemies than he does with the city he has sworn to protect. This is a man who has decided the best way to honour his parents memory is to lurk knee deep in slime and insanity, and not by living a better life.

With that in mind, now we compare the actual films.


BATMAN & BATMAN RETURNS:



1989 and 1992.

Directed by Tim Burton.

There can be no ignoring the romantic gothic charm of Burton’s Gotham, and the post 40’s fashion is a masterful throwback to Batman’s first comic appearance. At once this is a world that we recognise, yet removed from our own enough to allow for the surreal nature of the stories to come.

And it’s not just the city, or the sleek costumes, that attracts the attention- like in most Burton films the screen is packed with memorable imagery. Who could forget death-by-quill, the balloons packed with toxic gas, or an army of bomb-strapped penguins?

Michael Keaten’s Bruce Wayne, rather than the borderline psychotic nature of his alter ego, is the ‘boy who never grew up’- all wide eyed innocence and curiosity (an ongoing theme with much of Burton’s work). It’s much easier to actually ‘like’ this character compared to many of the other on-screen versions, who can range from the irritatingly smug to the painfully introvert.

Kim Basinger makes a striking love-interest (although you have to wonder what Sean Young would’ve been like before her exit from the project due to injury), and one who can actually act. After all, she was the sex-symbol of her generation, and playfully scatty enough for Burton’s directing. Michelle Phifher took over the reigns as love-interest for the sequel, and ‘that’ cat-suit became seared into the imagination of many a teenage boy, shaping the face of S&M outfits for years to come.

Danny Devito’s Penguin was a grotesque and tragic portrayal of a character who’s inclusion could so easily have been a mistake, and whenever he’s on screen I genuinely feel uncomfortable. There can be no better way to handle this character.

The overall mood of the first film was one of darkness-tinged fun, although the second did increase the darkness and the drama substantially. Still, it’s always fun to see a Batman less concerned with collateral-damage in the regard of gunned-down or blown-up mobsters (check the kill-count that Batman is responsible for).

Who remembers the music to the Nolan Batman films? Nobody? Who remembers the soundtrack to Batman? Point made. Who cares that almost every Danny Elfman soundtrack sounds the same, this is it at it’s very best.

I could go on to mention Christopher Walken’s scene-stealing villainy (and hair), but with so many excellent performances from the likes of Jack Nicholson and Michael Gough, it would seem a little redundant. Still, come on- Christopher Walken!

It seems hardly fair to say that these films have dated, but there can be no getting away from the grainy nature of some of the effects. At best they increase the campy-fun, and at worse detract from the otherwise engrossing nature of the films.

As an adult, the inclusion of some of the gimmicks, including the Batwing, seem a little bit childish for what is otherwise a grown-up fairytale. In it’s defence I guess it’s worth remembering that despite the 15 certificate, a huge amount of the merchandise for these films was aimed at children. Off the back of this, even the Robocop films started marketing for children, and you can’t get more woefully immoral than that- short of launching cigarettes in chewing-gum flavour.

The second film sacrificed much of the first film’s fun in return for upping the grimness, and as such viewing it can feel a little laboured unless you are in the right mood- Gone is the upbeat mania of Nicholson's performance, and instead we are left with an experience which is, to put it bluntly, morbid and depressing… And what was with that ending? The whole ‘exit’ of the Catwoman, including the shocking-kiss (no spoiler intended) was just bizarre and unnecessary.

Many of the character motivations are ill-defined, and lunacy seems to be banded about as a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card when concerning the behavior of the antagonsists (especially Catwoman), while the Penguin particularly is prone to devising death-traps that border on an Adam-West level of absurdity- not necessarily in keeping with the comics. And like many Tim Burton films, on closer reflection the plots often make as much sense as a bag full of shaved monkeys.


BATMAN BEGINS & THE DARK KNIGHT:



2005 and 2008.

Directed by Christopher Nolan.

This was the first time in the long-running franchise to actually recall the origins of the character, and while the industry in general is bogged-down in poor origin stories there is always space for a well told one. Now we know how he went from haunted-yuppie to ninja crime-fighter, which is an important void to fill in a more realistic setting.

Rather than the full-on reign of lunacy in Burton's world, this feels like a real city- but one that is slowly being infected by the all-consuming madness of the Batman comics.

On the subject of setting, credible ‘mysticism’ is given to the character of Ra’s Al Ghul, one of the more outlandish of the Batman rouges gallery, as played by Liam Neeson. Both Scarecrow and Joker are also given credibility in these films, realism being Nolan’s watch-word. Extra kudos to Heath Ledger for not only his film-stealing performance, but having the audacity to step into Jack Nicholson’s iconic shoes. It would seem that the backgrounds in the Batman universe don't particularly suffer for this level of realism.

Gone is the sleek Batman design, and in return we have a suit that looks as though it could actually deflect a knife or bullet. Either this is a move you feel is necessary in adding realism to the character, or you feel that style is needlessly sacrificed and Batman now resembles Robocop with a paint job? The jury is out.

Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne is harder to empathize with, but a touching relationship (filled with respect and warm humor) between him and Michael Cain’s Alfred saves the character from his one-note simplicity.

It’s brilliant to see a bigger part for Jim Gordon (a previously neglected character, yet important in the comics), perfectly bought to life by Gary Oldman. I’ve often believed him to be the heart in many of the comics, and the same can be said of him here in the new films. Without Gordon, most of what works in these films falls apart, yet his presence is deceptively subtle. In the second of these films his character shines even brighter, and it’s his pain that sells the climax between the three former allies.

The films are not without flaws. There are a great many plot-dumps and plot-made-easy lines of exposition in the first film- especially concerning the train reaching Wayne Tower in the climax (count the number of times a supporting character adds in cutaways ‘if it reaches the tower, the pressure’s goanna blow!”).

Despite the second film being shot largely in Chicago, there are a great deal of science-fiction touches in the first film that look out of place- the train design being the worst.

Katie Holmes (she of Tom Cruse ‘beard’ fame) is appalling, and is thankfully replaced in the sequel by Maggie Gylanhall playing the same character (OK, still not great, but an improvement). The character herself isn’t really all that sympathetic, and given the time between when these films are set she’s moved on pretty quickly- the cock-teasing little minx!

The inclusion of the super-weapon in the first film always felt a little weak, especially in what was otherwise attempting to be a real-world story- but I guess maybe that’s not so out of place when you consider it was transported into the city by an army of ninjas.

The second film, for all the joy it brings me, is perhaps overly-long, although if it were any shorter it may mean leaving some big unanswered questions (of which there are still a few anyway), and the whole concept of Batman's rigid anti-death idealism seems to fall apart under scrutiny and the constraints of a real world. After all, how can a guy 'pancaking cop cars', blowing up parked vehicles, tossing people down staircases and generally 'doing-damage' ever be sure he hasn't inadvertently killed anybody? Yet the same idealist would (spoiler alert) save a dangerous criminal from falling to certain death? In my opinion, should that criminal ever escape and do more harm (a likelihood, seeing as the walls of Arkham insane asylum appear to be made of cheese), then the blood of the innocent is on Batman's hands...


IN CLOSING:

 

Fairytale vs. Grit. Adventure vs. thriller. Broad-stokes vs. subtlety. Batman vs. Batman.

Interestingly (even surprisingly) enough, it is Nolan’s films that follows closer to the back-story and characters from the comic, although it’s Burton’s vision that more closely brings it to the eyes. I’d always wrongly assumed it was the first films that were the more accurate, which is untrue, but it must be said that it was Burton’s films that rejuvenated and redefined the character in the comics- which lovingly dipped into both the films’ style and content. Indeed, it is Burton who ‘painted it black’. So, without Burton’s input, without him to take the character into more complicated territory, we wouldn’t have much of the material that inspired Christopher Nolan’s retelling.

So, as both a series of films, and in it’s actual accuracy to the content of the comics (an accuracy rarely seen in any sort of adaption), Christopher Nolan’s Batman films are (at least in my opinion, which is almost the same thing as a fact) superior to Tim Burton’s- but it’s something of a hollow victory. Burton’s films, even today, still entertain and conjure an awe-inspiring gothic wonder sadly missing in Nolan’s clinical storytelling, more of a mood-piece than a coherent retelling of the Batman story.

The above points have led me to the following shock conclusion:

The perfect Batman film has yet to be made. What the reboot needs is a creative mind capable of bringing Burton's stylistic flair along with Nolan's narrative scope, delivering a world that is larger than it's antagonist's personalities and offering a definitive version of the much-loved character.

Fingers crossed for the reboot, because (in the right hands) it has a real opportunity to deliver the goods...



UPDATE (23/05/12):

Oh for fuck's sake. Ryan Reynolds has just been announced as the new Batman. Not what I'd call a step in the right direction...

UPDATE (01/09/13):

Now it's Ben Affleck...

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

"HEY, WEB HEAD!"

 "Commencement: the end of one thing, the start of something new." 
Green Goblin. Spiderman (2002).

OK, so anyone I've spoken to before now knows I wasn't exactly over enthusiastic at the talk of a re-boot. I mean, come on, it hardly seems that far back that we got the Raimi films, does it? And in the early release pictures the new suit looked, well, a bit camp (the red looked pink for a start), and why hire an English actor in his mid-twenties to play an American teenager?...

I don't often change my stance on things like this, but I'm actually looking forward to this now.




1/ First off, the suit no longer looks pink, thanks to the on-set tendency for dark lighting. And anyway, end of the day, it's a body tight red and blue gimp suit- it's always going to look a little camp. I'm glad to see a leaner body shape too, and I was never all that impressed with the outfit in Raimi's films anyway- what was with all the silver?

2/ As much as I think Defoe nailed the Green Goblin (the ultimate Spidey villain- bonkers suit or not), my personal favorite has always been The Lizard. While I'm not really an Ifans fan, I have nothing against him and look forward to seeing the final reveal of the creature... I'm hoping to see the more feral McFarlane style monster, so long as they don't drop the ball with the CGI.




3/ Let's face it. On re-watching them the Raimi film's weren't actually all that good were they? Sure, it was nice to see Spiderman on screen, and compared to the benchmark it really didn't have much superhero competition. Times are different now, so maybe it's not such a bad time for a serious re-boot after all?

4/ The parent mystery. Seems a strange place to take the Spiderman origin story, but I'm game. I don't want a remake, I want something different.

I realise I'm probably just writing this for myself. That's OK.



Don't get me wrong, there is still plenty of opportunity for disaster.

I dislike the guy in the lead, Garfield, I don't think he's up to much and I thought his breakout role in Never Let Me Go (or whatever it was) was amateur level. And casting agents- for God's sake, hire an American for an American role! While you're at it, stop paying people in their late teens to play high school kids! If you want to tell the high school years, cast younger, or alternatively (originality, shock horror) Just tell the story of him as an adult, everyone already knows the origin! For me, I quite liked the kid in Kickass, he'd have made a fairly decent Parker- and let's face it, he basically was.



The Lizard (as yet still under wraps despite some grainy leaked test footage) could look awful, and that would sink it. Harsh but true. The CGI for Spiderman leaping around could also prove to be shockingly bad...

Is the girl playing Gwen Stacey (the love interest) going to be irritating? Are they going to stay true to the comic and kill her off, or will she perhaps live to the inevitable sequel?



Why complicate things with the Web-shooters? Yeah, they're in the comic, so what? They were a stupid thing, (controversially) well side-stepped in the Raimi films. In a realistic world, how does that work? And how will they explain Parker's funky new costume this time round? That rarely holds up to scrutiny.

On a final point, thanks largely to Nolan's Batman re-boot, the mood for superheros seems to be dark & edgy, I just hope this dosn't follow suite, but unfortunately that seems to be a very likely possibility, judging by the trailer. While realism and grit is all fine and good, let's not forget that this is Spiderman, not The Crow. Dark worked for Batman because Batman is dark, not all characters need that treatment- just look at the balance struck in the first Ironman film, that worked a treat.

Anyhow, them be my thoughts on the subject, feel free to express yourselves. I'm now down on record as officially excited and you can all tell me how wrong I was if this thing falls flat.

So long, web-heads!