"HORROR WILL EAT ITSELF"

"There's a climactic moment in Joe D'Amato's splendidly outrà horror romp Anthropophagous in which the disemboweled cannibal lifts up his spilled intestines and starts chomping upon his own entrails. This image of the monster feeding on his own flesh has become iconic amongst horror fans, not only because it helped get the video outlawed in the early 80's, but also because it is the perfect metaphor for the horror genre itself. Since the first screen vampires crawled out of their dusty celluloid coffins, horror films have been devouring and regurgitating their own history. And as every true fan knows, given enough time, horror (like pop) will eat itself."

Mark Kermode.

So, as if you couldn't guess, I want to talk about horror films. A few different topics have suggested themselves to me of recent months, and what better way of voicing my thoughts than this blog?

Let's get to it.

What's not to like about clowns?

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MAN EAT HIS OWN HEAD?"

Spottswoode (team America).

Firstly, and in a rather surprising twist (as I nearly always agree with Mr Kermode) I choose to argue a different case: that horror, real horror, is sadly in decline. Going back to that evocative image of the cannibal eating his own remains, this cannibal will in fact eventually die from his wounds before finishing his fateful meal...

Yes, to some extent Kermode is absolutely correct, but you only have to look at the ever changing face of horror trends to see that the format is not as it once was...
Nixon's Watergate scandal and the failed Vietnam War bathed America in pessimism, unease and paranoia, which in turn birthed horror classics such as The Omen, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. In the 80's we had the dawn of 'plastic reality', which allowed the likes of David Cronenburg and Wes Craven to startle audiences with terrifyingly life-like images in films like The Fly and A Nightmare On Elmstreet. Other films also used advances in physical effects to great use, like An American Werewolf In London (Oscar nominated in 1982) and Society. The birth of CGI in the 90's again bought with it greater possibilities, as seen in Event Horizon, Interview With A Vampire, and The Lawnmower Man, although these lacked the weighty grime of hands-on effects. The 00's (I hate that term), with the advancements in mobile phones and tracking technology, have all but put a stop to the old horror cliche's of isolated cabins (recently played for laughs with Cabin In Woods) and broken down cars. This has instead forced us to look to more realistic bogymen to install fear- giving rise to the explicit 'gore-nos' and 'torture porn' sub genre, dominated by home invasions and serial killers: a decade made infamous by films such as the Saw and Hostel franchises, Funny Games and a slew of supernatural Japanese horror remakes which turned technology into something to be weary of (as in the case of Ring and Shutter).

My point being; despite the endless remakes, the recurring troupes and the valid argument that each decade has thrown up its own precursors to the video nasty and torture porn wave (such as the films of Dario Agento), the genre IS changing- and permanently. It is not the man forever eating himself. My metaphore in place of this would be David Cronenburg's Seth Brundle (from The Fly); mutating deep within, decayed flesh flaking away to reveal greater horrors- ones that have been long-lurking but only now come to the surface. And like Brundle, horror must eventually reach it's end, it's final transformation. Unlike the butterfly, this is unlikely to be a thing of purity and beauty, or of aliens and ghosts, but a more studied observation on the cruelty and evil we commit against our fellow man...

Ladys and gentlemen, I bring you The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence.

"THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS IS TRUE OF EVERYTHING IN LIFE, EXCEPT SEX."

Robert McKee. 

Always was a messy eater.

 

It's my opinion that films that focus primarily on the infliction of torment, suffering and humiliation over character and story will eventually bore audiences and die out. At least, that's what I'm hoping. It's films like that which give us horror fans a bad name (more on that in a moment).

Don't get me wrong, I'm really not screamish. I'll watch anything- bamboo under the fingernails, ears sliced off, eyes pulled from sockets, a brutal rape (I never said I'd enjoy it), even dead babies (morbid, I know), anything- so long as it is relevant to the story. Gratuitous violence is boring.

What made The Human Centipede 2 so easy to dismiss was it's complete lack of anything even resembling narrative or character development, it was just 90 minutes of some fat little pervert torturing a bunch of one dimensional cliches. Likewise, what made A Serbian Film more disturbing, aside from the outrageous content, was that it actually developed some likeable characters: the horrid things happened to people you at least empathised with!

"AND IT GREW BOTH DAY AND NIGHT, TILL IT BORE AN APPLE BRIGHT."

William Blake (A Poison Tree)

Backtracking now; I call myself a horror fan, but I'm often embarrassed by this.

Horror fans, as has probably been the case (yet I'm more aware of it these days) have a poor reputation. The good and moral people of this world think we're all drooling maniacs who sit up nightly in our mother's basement (poorly lit by a single hanging bulb), listening to thrash metal while inserting needles into helpless animals. Now, I don't like all horror films, I'm very particular. In fact, a lot of modern horror I absolutely fucking hate. I notice the term 'horror' covers a wide range of different material, and this may be causing my gripes.

What I need, ideally, is a way of clarifying the types of horror I enjoy from the ones that I don't, and then perhaps I can safely tell my friends that I enjoy horror without them mistaking me for a budding rapist or serial killer. And if that statement offends you, because, I dunno, you enjoyed I Spit On Your Grave or A Serbian Film, I'd ask you to think long and hard about the term 'enjoyed' in that sentence...

I bring you "Carlisle's Tree Of Horror".

Each film, by way of 3 simple questions, will categorize it into one of 7 sub genres. Unhelpfully, I haven't listed them on the picture, but I'll come to that.

Think of a horror film. Was it either 'nasty' (Saw), 'thought provoking' (The Exorcist) or 'playful' (The Army Of Darkness)? Were the events of the film passably 'realistic' (Last House On The Left) or complete fantasy (Alien)? Finally, was the object of the film to disgust you (Braindead) or unsettle you (Creep). This will tell you the type of horror you've picked.

Video Nastys & Torture Porn:

Nasty / Real / Sick: Hostel, Human Centipede

Nasty / Real / Scary: Saw, My Little Eye

Nasty / Fantasy / Sick: Martyrs, Creep

Nasty / Fantasy / Scary: The Thing, The Decent 

Comedy Horror & Dark Fantasy:

Playful / Real / Sick: Tucker & Dale Vs Evil, Piranha 3D

Playful / Real / Scary: Jaws, Arachnophobia

Playful / Fantasy / Sick: Society, Evil Dead 2

Playful / Fantasy / Scary: Sleepy Hollow, An American Werewolf In London

Serial Killers, Urban Horror & Plastic Reality:

Thought Provoking / Real / Sick: Henry Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Se7en

Thought Provoking / Real / Scary: We Need To Talk About Kevin, Contagion

Thought Provoking / Fantasy / Sick: The Fly, A Nightmare On Elmstreet

Thought Provoking / Fantasy / Scary: Alien, The Exorcist

I myself prefer  comedy horrors, dark fantasies and plastic reality (the safe stuff I guess), although I did enjoy Saw (part one) and Se7en.

"WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

Eva (We Need To Talk About Kevin)

You may have noticed the inclusion of the 'Serial Killer' and 'Urban Horror' section of the tree? I guess that takes a little explaining.

What with the realist approach modern horror seems to be taking, I think the distinction between that and other genres (including thrillers and dramas) is a little more hazy than it once was. Consider Se7en or Silence Of The Lambs in light of Saw; both feature a serial killer protagonist and some memorably unsettling set pieces. If released today, they'd likely attract a similar audience and would be marketed as horrors.

'Urban Horror' is trickier to define, and for this I'd draw attention to We Need To Talk About Kevin and Take Shelter. Both are small scale dramas that tackle the subject of mental illness, one completely realistic while the other has a very minor (possibly) supernatural element. I guess what's important are the films focus on character rather than gore or chills, but both of which do deliver moments of horrific intensity.

"TELEVISION IS REALITY, AND REALITY IS LESS THAN TELEVISION!"

Brian O'Blivion (Videodrome). 

Brundle may have made a slight miscalculation with his experiment...

I've been known to criticise Hostel, The Human Centipede 2 and A Serbian Film for their graphic content. Does that mean I'm for stronger censorship laws? Yes and no. Again, another typical Carlisle answer, can't ever make a simple point, can I?

I'm not for censorship in most cases, as adults we should be free to make our own choices. My only issue with most of the graphic content I see these days is that it's not supported by any reasoning, it merely severs as a lazy distraction, or to shock and offend, and shocking and offending people is much easier than genuinely scaring them. Instead I'm for better storytelling, not censorship.

However, I do feel that perhaps one film should have come under closer scrutiny by the BBFC (although I'll admit they may well have cut back from the version of the film which I saw), and that is A Serbian Film. Rather than repeat what I've already ranted, I found a lot of the content unjustifiable, even within the pretext which the director often cites in defense of his work.

"Recognising that the film was intended as a political allegory which intended - and needed - to shock as part of its overall thesis, the BBFC attempted to construct the cuts carefully so that the message of the film, as well as the meaning of each individual scene, would be preserved."
BBFC

Sorry, but not good enough.

I didn't need to 'see' what I saw, I knew full well what was happening without actually seeing it. You could argue that 'not seeing' something is worse, and in many respects I'd agree, but I'd also argue that not showing something like that is also in much better taste and shows a degree of good judgment.

Spoiler ahead: what I'm actually talking about is rape of a newborn baby (I can't even remember if they cut the cord first), and not, as I've mentioned before, the main character (under the influence of drugs) unknowingly graphically sodomising his own traumatized son. Classy, huh?

Actually, I could go on at length about censorship as it's a subject that fascinates me, but I doubt it would make good reading for anybody else (like that's ever stopped me before, right?).

"IF I HAD KNOWN FROM THE START, I'D ONLY HAVE DECLINED SOONER..."

Milos (A Serbian Film)

Well, that's all for now. The subjects of reboots and catharsis will have to wait.

Take it easy, gentle viewers, and remember...


"It's only a movie..."

"I JUST NEED TO KNOW ONE THING..."

Pvt. Vasquez. Aliens (1986).

So, welcome to the blog.

Admittedly this isn’t my first entry because the previous posts have been ripped directly from my Facebook page. At the repeated urging of some close friends (probably because they were getting fed up with being tagged in notes) I’ve taken up this blogging lark. Hopefully I'll find the time to keep it up...

Rather than a description of me and all that other dull stuff nobody really cares for, maybe the best way for you to understand who I am is by looking at my taste in films? Let’s see if you and I are going to get along… Ok, here goes.


My 10 favourite films:

Given in alphabetical order because I can’t actually decide in what order I prefer them. Without going too much into detail, I’ll highlight why they made the list.

Aliens

Not every sequel is inferior to it’s predecessor, and in place of Ridley Scott’s claustrophobic chiller James Cameron serves up a  rollacoaster thrill ride. Top quality acting, a slick script and special effects that still hold up well even today.


Big Trouble In Little China

Not to be dismissed simply as trashy fun, this is chock-full of spot-on performances from the cast, quirky effects and cool-as-hell martial arts (pre Crouching Tiger). Plenty of witty quick-fire dialogue and a break-neck pace tie every ludicrous plot development into one terminally hip package, and the inversion of the  hero / sidekick relationship (the hero is a likeable meat-head, while the sidekick is infinitely more capable and knowledgeable) creates some of the most comical moments. Like ol' Jack Burton always says, "Infinitely quotable".


Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid

It really doesn’t matter if you like westerns, this is still well worth a look. Although some of the scenes may feel a little dated (especially the mid-point montage) the film is held together on the chemistry of it’s central characters, rarely has an on-screen friendship ever felt so sincere. Heart-warming, funny and poignant.


Children Of Men

Criminally overlooked. Clive Owen is perfectly cast as the central protagonist, a desperate man completely out of his depth but striving to do the right thing. The premise is haunting and the near-future setting credible and low-key, and added into the mix are some amazingly choreographed long-take action sequences.


Inception

What’s not to like? An interesting premise, well rounded characters and bucket loads of action. Although initially a major success there was something of a backlash (and perhaps some of the criticism leveled at it is fair), but in time this will be remembered as the film that proved Summer blockbusters don’t have to be brain-dead to make money. Take note Michael Bay.


Pan’s Labyrinth

I can’t see a world where this fails to make my top ten. It’s a fairytale for grown ups that combines achingly beautiful visuals, genuine creepiness and the brutality of War into one heart-felt tale. It's impossible not to be moved by the little girl who feels like she was meant for more. Also, the acting is top notch. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so!


Raiders Of The Lost Arc

It’s fun. It’s exciting. It’s action packed. Old fashioned story-telling at it’s best, and a central character who would become an icon for every child of my generation. And who could forget that soundtrack? To be honest, I was torn between including either this or The Last Crusade, but this came first- so extra points for that.


Robocop

People usually find this an odd choice, but this isn’t just a bruisingly violent and darkly comical B-movie: it's a scathingly satirical look at the commercialisation and privatisation of the world we live in today, and considering the year it was made- frighteningly accurate (save for the giant killer-robots). And as if that weren't enough, according to it's endearingly eccentric European director Paul Verhoeven it's also an American retelling of the Jesus Christ story... With guns.


The Empire Strikes Back

Back before Lucas went and molested the three classics, and before urinating across the gravestone of their memory with the prequels, the Star Wars trilogy were highly regarded fantasy adventures. Simply put, Empire strikes Back was the best of the three; better effects, bigger battles, cooler light-saber fighting, more character development, a doomed romance and a harrowing revelation for a major character. And no fucking Ewoks. Admittedly, they don't really hold up to astute adult audiences today, but Star Wars for me is about leaving your reservations at the door and revisiting your childhood- and nothing else brings me back to my youth faster than that intro...

It’s true that you can learn just as much, perhaps even more, about a person from what they dislike to what they prefer. With that pearl of wisdom in mind, I now present...


My 10 worst films:

Again, these are given in alphabetical order because I can’t decide in what order I most loath these abominations…

A Serbian Film

Why the fuck does this film even exist? I don't buy the whole "it's a statement about the horror of war" bullshit. You want to deliver an anti-war message? Then make a war movie! Politics do not justify this deranged and spiteful mess of a film. I've got a strong stomach, and I'm (generally speaking) for freedom of expression, but this was just sickeningly moronic cruelty for nothing other than shock value.

By way of example, and I feel I need to do this, simply so you don't think I'm being over dramatic. Contains spoilers, but hey, you don't care because you're not going to watch this film, are you? The man on the right is the hero. At this moment in time he is under the effects of a drug that increase his sex drive and reduce his control. He is raping his 12 year old son. The hooded man besides him is secretly his brother, who has helped mastermind this situation. The brother is currently raping the hero's wife. Just your typical day in Serbia then.

AVP Requiem

Where to begin. This offends me on so many levels, and I've moaned about this for so long and so often that even I'm bored of hearing myself going on about it. Basically, I was a big Predator fan, and an even bigger Alien fan. I loved the old Dark Horse comics and I liked playing the PC game. So imagine my excitement when I heard the first film was being made. Imagine my disappointment when I heard who was directing it. Imagine how depressed I was when I actually sat down to watch it. And, unable to let an old scab heal, I rented out the sequel. How could anybody have made a worse film? Actually, this film deserves an article in it's own right, just to address all the ways this completely missed the mark. And the 'maternity ward' scene, what the hell were they thinking?


Freddie Got Fingered

Fuck. Me. With a chainsaw. Marginally funnier than Cancer. Marginally.


Hostel

Like A Serbian Film, this is lazy film making in the extreme. Only exists because it's much easier to depress and disgust than it is to actually scare people, and because some people are too fucking stupid to know the difference. The only thing that scares me about this film is that some people out there actually 'enjoyed' it. At least the Guinea Pig films (from Japan) don't mess about with the pretense of plot, which is somehow commendably honest by comparison.


In Time

For a future where time is money and people are dropping dead in the street, there sure seems to be a lot of people drinking expensive things like coffee and beer, I'd be on a diet of pasta and tap water. Also, everyone is toned and looking too fresh-from-the-salon for my liking? What, are gym memberships free in the future? Most infuriating of all, there was the germ of a good story in here somewhere...


Inglorious Bastards

So much hype for so little. Ethically misjudged, self-congratulatory, overly self indulgent and overly long. When will Tarantino learn that ripping off other films and sticking the resulting mess together does not constitute a film! Like Frankenstein, sewing things together and pumping them full of electricity does not create life, it creates shambling a monster.


Martyrs

Oh God, here we go again. Needless, brutal, shocking and ultimately a hollow and pointless experience. And French. The shame here is that the first 30 minutes of the film leads you to believe that this is an entirely different creature: a spooky ghost, a possibly insane antagonist, and the massacre of a family who are either completely innocent or evil beyond belief is a tense set-up, but one that goes absolutely nowhere.


Saw 3

Let me make this perfectly clear: Saw 1 was a very good film. Not exactly what you'd call a horror, more a serial-killer thriller along the same lines as Se7en- sinister and thought provoking. Sure, it was gory (and hey, I'm fine with gore), but it served the plot and never felt unnecessary.  How it ever became the imagination-void of torture porn that it is now is beyond my reasoning. Saw 3 is where I stopped watching and found something better to do.


Transformers

A though free character-vacuum filled with nothing but mindless noise and over cluttered CGI. A film where both the lead male and female characters are overshadowed by the lead female's arse.

So, there you have it. That should give you a fairly good idea of who your dealing with and where I stand. Hopefully we’re reading from the same page, or at the very least the same book. I realise this probably looks like I'm set against the horror genre, but that's not true, I'm actually a really big horror fan (when it's done right).


‘What can I expect to find here in the future?’ 

You may well be thinking that. Well, I already have a few ideas I’d like to work on.

A look at the phenomenon of over-hype, and how high expectations can undermine a film’s success. Then perhaps a sly look at film spoilers- the type that can totally destroy your first-time viewing experience. Then an expose on some of the most soul-destroying films of all time, the type that leave you dead inside- and my thoughts on whether films like this are even necessary, or are they just ‘harshening our buzz’? And while we’re still up-beat and in a positive frame of mind, I’d like to present my argument on why modern horror has lost it’s way. That leads nicely into the subject of remakes- huge amounts of which are pouring out of America right now, and a closer look at the success rate of these will prove (hopefully definitively) that Hollywood needs to buck-up its game. To balance the scales I’ll also be addressing my top-ten feel-good films- a refreshing alternative to sitting at home and cutting yourself to 'feel alive'. I’ll also take a long good look at family films, so that (if like me) you find yourself in need of a child-friendly movie then I can help you find one that wont induce a tumor but is still fun for the little-ones. Finally, I’d also like to review and champion some overlooked film gems, as well as addressing some of the more main-stream stuff out there.

 So, basically I’ll be addressing a whole range of topics; some serious, others less so, but all covered in an every-day / common-guy fashion. Rest easy, this is an ‘ostentatious-free’ blog. Hopefully some of this sounds appealing? Thanks for reading either way, and I hope you come back soon.

“Tell your friends about me.”

Batman. Batman (1989)

Paul Michael Carlisle.