*Peter Weland, Prometheus (2012).
Oh Prometheus, you troublesome beast...
Well, maybe I should prefix this review with a little
background information:
I, like many of you (I’m sure) sometimes struggle to make
ends meet. My ‘better half’ is pregnant, and before the approaching due-date we
decided to have one last night of freedom. We both agreed that “dinner and a
movie” would be good, and I managed to convince her to see Prometheus. No mean
feat, her not being big on science fiction.
Although I plan to write at length about this later, cinema
costs are now close to extortion. Without the added costs of driving
to-and-from, or paying for a car park, you’re looking at between £7 and £13 for
a cinema ticket, depending on venue and 3D or 2D screenings. Let’s not forget
snacks and a drink, that’s about another £5
to £10 a head. So for the two of us to just go see a movie we’re looking
at paying around the £40 mark, travel not included. I remember when the cinema
used to be a cheap night out…
I won’t beat around the bush, as you can tell by having a
quick look at the scores avaliable in the 'Carlisle's Final Word' review, Prometheus failed to live up the level of hype and
expectation that surrounded it. It is of course possible that the disappointment
concerning my ‘last night of freedom’, as well as the expenses surrounding it,
is partly to blame. The following is as even handed as I can be, and I’m
nowhere near as cantankerous as I was on leaving the cinema. Counter arguments
are always encouraged, but are still incorrect.
Here goes. The next section is spoiler free…
Prometheus, if nothing else, is certainly intriguing,
whether you’re discussing the plot points or the circumstances around the
projects traumatic birth.
As I’ve stated previously, this IS a film in the
long-suffering Alien franchise, and it’s a confused entry at that. To be
honest, although ‘They’ say the story started off as an Alien prequel and
mutated into something different along the way, the film actually feels like a
totally independent story with Alien-franchise references uncomfortably forced
into it- and that may well be one of the film’s biggest problems. The content
is almost entirely permissible at 12A, with some pointless low-end 15
certificate violence. For this a multitude of unnecessary and under-developed
characters are introduced for the sole purpose of being killed-off in scenes that
feel as if they are included only to liven the pace and reinforce the Alien
content.
Perhaps the film would have kept more integrity if the Alien
references were trimmed entirely, because they fail to serve the story in any
way and feel laboured, as unnatural as a square peg in a round hole.
Instead of being intellectually gratifying (the aim) or
torturously terrifying (as was Alien), the film is as thrilling as a carpet
convention, as frightening as a leaky tap, non-cannon, and fails to deliver on
its lofty (and cliché ridden) premise: seriously, directors shouldn’t indulge
such overused material or theological ideas unless they have something unique,
insightful or enlightening to bring to the table.
On the positive side, the film looks great and the sets are
spookily atmospheric, and some of the acting is top-draw. Unfortunately, the
good quality acting highlights those amongst the cast who aren’t quite up to
task...
Well, that was my thoughts on the film itself. Now I’m going
to address some big issues I have with the plot itself. Warning, spoilers
ahead.
How can an expert geologist with mapping devices get lost
coming out of a straight tunnel? Some expert.
Why would anyone approach a hostile alien-cobra, of which
absolutely nothing is known, with all the fear and awe you'd associate with approaching a 3-legged puppy?
Why even consider setting fire to an ‘ill’ man when you have
a perfectly functioning, state-of-the-art quarantine bay (used later)? Would
seem a little excessive.
If you’re an android, programmed to protect your boss, a multiu-millionaire
who is secretly in hiding onboard the ship, why run the risk of infecting one
of the crew with alien slime? And why then introduce your boss to an alien
creature that you know full-well has its mind set to destroying Earth? Stupid
android.
Yes, the air is breathable, but why run the risk of removing
your helmet? And again, why remove your helmet after you discover the Alien
ship was actually a military installation working on biological weaponry?
The film Alien is set eighty years from these events. Aliens
and Alien 3 fifty years after that. So why, one hundred and thirty years into
the future, is there no technology to successfully remove an alien parasite
without killing the host when that technology exists in Prometheus?
If a giant ship is rolling after you (like a giant biscuit),
why not run sideways?
How did the Weyland business empire continue if Weyland
himself and his only child are both killed in this film?
Note to the writers; if the shocking revelation of your
story is that the ‘Engineers’ are actually human, then perhaps don’t reveal
that in your opening scene? Sort of takes away from your climax.
The effect of the black jelly is too inconsistent. Don’t
give me that “oh, it reacts to the mental state of the life form it comes in
contact with” because it’s bollocks. I defy someone to explain that rationally.
Assuming the aliens stayed in contact with their own kind,
why when their weapons base (the setting of the film) became poisoned did
others not take up the task of ending life on earth 2000 years ago? The film
points out that they have a home world, so they weren’t the last of their kind.
Didn’t they have communications of some kind, I dun ‘no, like Facebook or
something?
The music is (for the most part) too upbeat and majestic,
more fitting for a cartoon adventure about lost kittens, or about a brave
little toy who loses his owner.
How did the android learn the alien’s language? I mean, they
do answer this; apparently by studying the similarities in ancient languages.
Ahem, bullshit, ahem! And even so, understanding an alien’s language shouldn’t
mean you can effortlessly activate their technology…
Nobody at any point stayed in contact with Earth. Seems a
bit stupid.
Why did Weyland have to hide aboard the ship like a
stowaway, it was his fucking ship! Surely if the man is paying the bills he
pretty much gets to set the parameters? I mean, the scientists were hardly going
to pass-up the expedition rather than take along some old codger, were they?
How could the Romans confuse the alien for Jesus? Assuming
they did, which I believe is the crux of the film. The ‘Engineers’ stayed in
contact with earth after creating humanity, visiting on occasion, till they
eventually come visit us during the Roman Empire. This ends badly, they crucify
the ‘Engineer’ and so his kin decide ‘fuck the humans’. They fly away and work
on a biological weapon to destroy us / their creation.
My final thought... Jesus = average looking
guy with a big beard, very mellow and peaceful, even in the face of adversity.
Engineer = 8 foot tall unstoppable humanoid with no hair whatsoever and aggressive
tendencies.
