MAD MAX, FURY ROAD; Carlisle's Final Word

"You know, hope is a mistake. If you can't fix what's broken, you'll go insane."
Max Rockatansky

Wait, where's Max? Isn't he supposed to be in this film?

SYNOPSIS:
30 years since completing his troubled third installment of the Mad Max series, writer/director George Miller returns to his roots with this, Fury Road, part sequel and part reboot of the classic science-fiction franchise.
After escaping from the clutches of a mutated tribe of marauders led by the fearsome Immortan Joe, Max is forced into a fragile alliance with Furiosa, a warrior woman who has just liberated Joe's prized sex-slaves and is now in search of the fabled 'green place' she once called home. Can Max and Furiosa survive not only each other, the seemingly endless challenges of the vast desert wastes, but also elude Immortan Joe's war-party, hot on their heels and thirsty for blood.

SCRIPT: 1/2
The emphasis of the first couple of Mad Max films was the acquisition of fuel, and by any means (still not entirely sure what the hell was going on in Thunder Dome). This time around however the focus is on life; water, vegetation and birth giving- the hope of a better future ("who killed the world?" is tellingly graffitied into the background of one dramatic shot). Life and hope become the subtext, but don't expect that to slow the pace or curb the insanity none- because while these themes remain prevalent throughout, the film is essentially a 90 minute chase from start to finish- a delirious homage to the western Stagecoach, or if you prefer, Mad Max 2's own brutal finale 'tanker chase'. It's very simplicity is the key to it's strength.
That said, the script isn't quite issue-free. The most notable 'issue' with the script, put simply, is this is NOT a Mad Max film. Firstly, While Max may well be an important character, he is, essentially, the sidekick. He's Han Solo, not Luke Skywalker: this is not his tale to tell. The character who drives this story forward, whose arc is changed by these events, who develops and becomes a stronger character throughout (although admittedly she's pretty bad-ass to start with), is Furiosa. And while I'm cool with that notion (Hell, it's quite daring to have your titular character drifting into someone other's story), I felt cheated by it's presentation. It's Max that opens the film and narrates the introduction, so it follows that, even if Max is not the most important character in this story, it should at least unfold from his perspective. But it doesn't...

Picture the scene: It's dark. The truck used by the main characters has broken down, and the marauders are closing in. Max, grim-faced and determined, volunteers to meet the threat head-on while Furiosa and her allies try and repair the vehicle. Now, if this were Max's story, as the film's title might suggest, we'd have followed him into battle. Yet, it is with Furiosa with whom we linger, and what could have easily been another action set piece is stripped back to distant gun fire in the night.

During the films final action-scene, it is Furiosa who comes face-to-deformed-face with Immortan Joe, while elsewhere Max grapples Joe's muscle-bound henchman. Even the denouement (abrupt and white-washed in my own view, but I appreciate at this point you need to wrap things up) closes alone on Furiosa. No further voice-over from Max to talk us out of the film as he did into it. That's because it isn't Max's story, and more importantly, it's not even Max's film. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, the film would be no less successful had he not been in it, or his character's name changed to something else.
And a final, if very minor, gripe- the end of act two is a little late to be introducing a collection of new characters who, essentially, are there to make up the numbers, their only purpose to be killed of in a number of ways while the important characters survive...

PACE: 2/2
This has to be said for the film, it really doesn't slow down, except for a brief moment before the start of the third act, where aforementioned character-fodder are introduced before the climax.
If anything it rushes into the crux of the story a little too soon, and as a result we have little time to learn anything much about our main cast, beyond their broad stereotypes. But, that said, this was never going to be a film about subtleties- we get the bare bones of what we need to know, the rest is left blank. No concessions here to back-story of fleshing out the characters. If it's of no consequence, it's been trimmed. Consider the film like one of its many vehicles; the seats and dashboard have been hacked out, it's been welded with spikes, jump started, turbo injected and driven at 90 mph into the eye of a storm.

ACTING: 1/2
A tricky thing to address. Where do we draw the line between 'brilliance' and 'as much as the film calls for'? Well, for the most part, everybody embraced the absurdity of both the script and the setting and made their characters, if not exactly textured, at least memorable.
The very beautiful Rosie Huntington-Whitely, Riley Keough, Abbey Lee and Courtney Eaton have the unenviable task of playing the scantly-clad sex slaves of Immortan Joe, but they also bring a refreshingly barbed aspect to the typical 'damsel in distress' situation, while still fulfilling their quota of screaming and falling into danger. Hugh Keays-Byrne (who also played the lead villain in the first Mad Max film) Literally chews through his scenes with a gusto usually only associated with pantomimes or aboard pirate ships, and is one genuinely creepy head-fuck of a creation- a blistered, bloated and grotesque combination of Road Warrior's Humongous and Tom Hardey's Bane.
Charlize Theorn, herself a respected thesp, is far and away the best thing in Fury Road, and brings some real pathos to her role. In fact, addressing her performance alone is probably worthy of another post. While most action films seem content to simply cast a sexy girl in a traditional male story, Fury Road takes a surprisingly enlightened approach by embracing the work of Maureen Murdock, who built upon Joseph Campell's 'Hero with a Thousand Faces' in such a way as to address the different desires and obstacles on a woman's heroic journey.
So we come to Max, the titular character, as played by the ruggedly chiseled Tom Hardy. Now, it gives me no satisfaction to say this, because I actually like Tom Hardy, but his portrayal of Max is possibly one of the film's biggest short comings. He's a charmless, twitchy, charisma-vacuum of a character. He's out-shone in literally every one of his scenes and constantly fades into the background, even in the few scenes that focus on him. And when he talks (which he does rarely), he's affecting a voice so deep it borders on parody- like the Dark Knight with a throat infection.

AESTHETIC: 2/2
This is where the film comes into it's own and is truly something to behold. Sure, it's grotesque, surreal, disturbing and grimy, but it's really quite like nothing I've seen before. Writer / director Miller has taken the best aspects of Road Warrior and Thunderdome, given them a dust-off and crammed it full of so much rust, sand and bile as to push beyond the boundaries of science fiction and well into fantasy.
The film is certainly inventive in it's insanity; I mean, come on, while many armies have waltzed into battle behind a drummer, Immortan Joe drives to war with an orchestra and an electric guitarist! Other nice touches include; smiley faces drawn on tumors, donor details tattooed onto hostages, the Dali-esque stilts of the swamp dwellers, the list is endless. The world building detail is so rife you're sure to see more on repeat viewings. Even the War Boys, who could have easily existed as wreckage-fodder, are dealt with in like fashion. The enthusiasm for which they go into battle, with little to no self regard, is almost comical- it's like someone took Gru's Minions and brainwashed them with Prodogy albums.
Much has been made of the films reliance on actual vehicular carnage, but despite this it still leans too heavily on the crutch of CGI, and unfortunately it just isn't up to scratch. In fact, in some points it looks terribly cheap (even the rather impressive looking sand storm looked pretty shoddy inside). The film would have been stronger for keeping moments like this to a minimum, but they pop up with alarming regularity and they compare badly to the physicality of the real-life stunt work. The moments of slow-motion also work to the films disadvantage.
And is it me, or did a lot of the scenes in the first half of the film feel like they'd been cranked-up? Not just the car chases. On a few occasions I swear Tom Hardy's movements had been sped up as well, making him look even more twitchy than usual (especially apparent in the scene where he begins filing his muzzle- keep your eyes open for this and tell me what you think).

INTENTION: 1/2
If the film is to be taken on it's own merits alone, it's a pretty solid effort and will easily entertain action and science fiction junkies, and it will no doubt spawn a successful new franchise. But a Mad Max film it is not. And I don't mean simply that Max wasn't prevalent enough in the story...
I have  a better memory of the first two Mad Max films than I do of Thunder Dome, but as I wrote in my lead up to Fury Road's release date, these were unrelentingly grim, unglamorous and brutal. They were rough-edged and uncomfortable to watch. Simply put, Fury Road is too sanitised. In Fury Road, characters are allowed meaningful last glances and heroism is usually rewarded. Despite all the carnage you 'think' you've witnessed, you never once see people crushed beneath the wheels, smashed through windshields, impaled on spikes and barbed wire, or trapped in blazing wreckage. What little violence is on show throughout Fury Road would almost be permissible at a 12 certificate (I think the scantly clad women and one uncomfortable scene involving a stillborn delivery are what tipped the film into 15). Sure, people are hurled through the sky, and vehicles blow up, but that's mostly what you get- it's a very bloodless affair. Even the death scene of Immortan Joe, who so richly deserved a nasty finish, is cut so fast that I couldn't tell how he actually died.
And I make this criticism not as a gore-hound but as a critic. I'm absolutely fine without blood and guts; a great many of my favorite films haven't needed excess violence to work- but the Mad Max films ARE violent, it's integral to how that universe functions, therefore the removal of such things leaves this an oddly sanitised experience.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10
At it's best, it's a slick, fast-paced and deliriously inventive chase through a nightmarish wasteland, and at it's worst it feels like only half a story. But kudos where it's due, a shout out has to be made to the studio for helming such a staggeringly strange project- it feels like a straight-to-VHS classic from the 80's. Keep an open mind and think of Fury Road as a homage to Mad Max rather than an actual reinvention and you'll probably enjoy the film a whole lot more. He may be 70 now, but George Miller proves he still has a trick or two up his sleeve, and can still make a better action film than most of today's generation of copy-paste directors.



FINAL, FINAL WORD:
I'm not a fan of the 'haunting' scenes in Fury Road, where Max is tortured by unforgiving visions of his murdered son. I mean, I get that Mad Max isn't a subtle picture, but Christ. If you do have to go down this road, you don't need all the jump-editing and dodgy skeleton flashes, they really steal away any sense of loss or grief. All this CGI trickery, and yet not one single moment as haunting or effecting as the one lingering shot in Mad Max of a lone shoe on the highway... Sometimes less is more, even in a film like this.

Just as a point of interest, I watched the film with two very close friends, one of whom described Fury Road as "30 Days of Night meets Benidorm". I'm not quite sure in which context she intended the statement, but it's a sentence that deserves repeating. How can I compete with a review like that?

“...I'M JUST HERE FOR THE GASOLINE.”

Max (Mad Max, The Road Warrior)

"Miffed Max" doesn't have the right ring to it...

So, the trailer for Mad Max Fury Road has just been released. Have to say, looks pretty awesome. I like the reliance on actual physical effects rather than CGI (although I’m sure there will be more than a little CGI enhancement involved).

A few thoughts? Why not?

Tom Hardy is the new Mad Max. Not the worst choice, but can’t help but feel this is more about man-of-the-moment stunt casting rather than actual suitability. I remember a few years back they were kicking around the idea of Sam Worthington and Jeremy Renner, either option I feel may have been better (Worthington himself also being Australian). Still, Hardy at least never disappoints; he has acting chops, a suitably sombre scowl and makes a convincing action hero.

The villains are pretty menacing, a cross between Humongous’ marauders from the second film and the ‘bad’ tribe from Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto. Although, how they all manage to look so anemic in the desert heat I’m not sure- must have a poor diet.

On the subject of villains, Immortan Joe, one of Thunder Road’s bad guy roster (and possibly the lead villain), is played by none other than Hugh Keays-Byrne, who played lead antagonist Toecutter in the first Mad Max. Toecutter ended up under the wheels of a truck in that film’s climax, and what’s very apparent with Immortan Joe is his severe facial injuries… This is only conjecture, but is Keays-Byrne playing the same character by a new alias, or is this just a nice nod to the original franchise, a way of keeping that’s films DNA? Let’s wait and see.

Depech Mode re-imagined by H.R Giger

It’s nice to see they’ve kept the same grungy and gritty trash-can aesthetic, especially prevalent in the vehicle designs. 

We also see Charlize Theron, another ‘proper’ thesb. She’s playing the absurdly named Imperator Furiosa, who believes that she can “save the world” if only she can make it back to her home town. What she really needs is a heroic-someone to help reach her goal…

The set up would seem to have Max captured by a vicious road gang, forcibly tattooed (pause the trailer and take a peek- they’re donor details- nice touch) and strapped up onto the front of a vehicle ala’ The Road Warrior’s memorable hostages. No doubt Max witnesses some truly heinous crimes while he’s helpless to intervene, and I’m sure that gets him pretty ‘mad’.

With names such as “Immortan” and “Furiosa” it’s good the film has retained some of the bizarreness that helped make the previous movies such cult-classics. I mean, come on? “Word burgers” is a phrase that ‘Clock Work Orange’s Anthony Burgess would be proud of. In one scene, barely audible but still very much present, Humungus calls forth his “smegma crazies” and “gayboy berserkers”. That’s not forgetting  the touches of visual surealnesss, such as the tango-dancing bikers or the popping-eyes before Toecutter’s head-on collision. 

I don’t own the first 2 Mad Max films, although as a teenager I had them on VHS. I watched the second a lot more than the first as it was more of a typical action film. To refresh my memory, and relive some nostalgic moments, I Youtube’d some of the scenes. To be honest, I’m blown away by how spectacularly nasty some of it is. It’s not necessarily gory or explicit, but just really, really nasty. I doubt the new film will be anywhere near so rough-edged.

Case and point; remember the tanker chase in Mad Max 2? 

Mad Max 2's center-piece chase scene.

Firstly, one of the defenders on the tanker is hit with that grappling hook- it punctures his leg, causing the jeep that fired it to flip. His leg is then pulling the weight of the flipped jeep before finally tearing him out of his barricade, only for him to be rolled on by the blazing jeep. Ouch. And that’s one of the ‘heroes’.

The woman with the crossbow defending the top of the tanker is shot by the marauders, collapsing into the barbed wire. As if that’s not bad enough, the villains then try to reclaim her body- no doubt for some dodgy sexual practices. Her friend, the cripple, tries in vain to keep her body- only to find himself pulled from the tanker and hurled under the wheels of pursuing cars. His murderers drive away with the woman’s body, unhindered.

In the world of Mad Max, death is never glamorous. There are no brave speeches, no meaningful last glances. Death is unromantic, brutal, callous, sudden and often meaningless. I’m not sure if this is entirely to be applauded, seeing as the violence is pretty much the sole aim of these films this gives off very mixed messages (“hey kids, violence is terrible, let’s take a look at some really grim stuff”), but it makes for a nihilistic antidote to the sanitized action of most Hollywood fare. 

“They've got you wrong. You're not a coward. STUPID, maybe. But not a coward.”

The Gyro Captain

Will this new Mad Max stay true to its cold-blooded roots with an 18 / R certificate, or will it bend cap-in-hand to the alter of mainstream cinema with a top-end 15, or worse, a diluted 12a? I wait with baited breath.

But, one thing’s for sure: the trailer sets the bench-mark pretty high. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46ir8Xd5QyE

“…And the Road Warrior... He Lives now, only in my memories.”

The Narrator

"I SUGGEST YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT..."

Continued from title... "And that goes for you, too!"

Basil Exposition, Austin Powers International Man Of Mystery (1997).

'What's he banging on about now?' you're probably asking yourself (except that you're not because nobody reads my blog). I'll tell you anyway.

Ever see a film where it occurred to you that what you're watching doesn’t add-up? More than once I'm guessing. Well, the following are the worst instances I can think of; some of these films I like and others not-so-much, but all have committed heinous crimes against logic and common sense. If you can think of others then feel free to add to the list.

‘Wait’ I hear you cry, ‘why don’t you get off your high horse Paul and just except films are a bit of fun, and it doesn’t really matter so long as we enjoy ourselves?’… Believe it or not, it’s a valid point, but here’s why I disagree.

These people and I’m chiefly looking at directors and screenwriters (without mentioning producers) are the individuals most responsible for the final product, are paid THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of pounds to do their job. Money the likes of which you or I will probably never see in our lives. Some scripts sell for as much as seven figures, directors always earn more.

When we’re talking sums of money this big, then I expect to see people at the top of their craft doing their best, and I’m sorry, but some of these mistakes are amateur at best and an absolute slap-in-the-face at worst. ‘I’ll take your money’ they laugh, ‘but I can’t be fucking bothered with what the film actually looks like when it’s over! I’m just here for the cash, pass me another beer!’

If I can see a mistake, and you can see a mistake, then I’m sure the ‘professionals’ know they’ve made it too! Most of the time, and this is perhaps the most irritating part about it, these things can normally be rectified with just a little bit of thought (as with Battle Royale)… Other times, we’re talking about a serious and funder mental problem with the script. In these instances, the projects should never have even been ‘green-lighted’ (like Avatar), but hey, they don’t care. Rush out any crap, get enough media attention, and wham! Money in the bank, who cares if it makes any sense?

I do. And, hopefully, you do to. Because you should. We’re paying for this shit.

Anyway, rant over.

Spoilers ahead. Lots of spoilers.

Alien Resurrection

So, in what is intended to be a fairly realistic film, a group of desperate survivors are forced to swim through a submerged corridor. Sounds intense, and ironically it's where the film looks like it's going to pick up, but wait- how long did they all hold their breath? Seriously, sit and watch it and draw a breath with the Ripley character. Even without exertion that's a pretty long breath, now imagine having to kick as hard as you can while doing it. Isn’t going to happen...

A small gripe, I know, but an irritating one. Easily remedied, just show them coming up for pockets of air, or edit the scene to be shorter. It’s not rocket science!

Avatar

 So, a heroic group of humans decide to rebel against a greedy corporation and lead the alien natives to victory. Sounds great, right? Except what happens after you win? The air isn’t breathable, and there aren’t enough Avatars to go round, so Chacon (the tough Latina chick) better have a good set of lungs on her. This woman is never going to see Earth again, none of these people will, don’t they have friends or family? Is everybody really that lonely and dead inside?

Gripe 2: Chacon disobeys a direct order to open fire on the natives during the siege on their spiritual tree. She turns her ship about-face and flies back to base. Surprising that Quaritch didn’t just order his men to blow her out the air, but even more surprising is that she didn’t even have to stand trial for court martial! Instead she’s left to roam the base and release captives! Come on, you don’t just disobey a direct order and get left to it like that, especially not by a villainous corporation light years from Earth with the financial-backing (and moral corruption) to ‘displace’ an entire alien tribe…

Remedy? None. It’s a fundamental issue with the story, go back to the drawing board.

Back To The Future

 So, Marty travels back in time only to be seduced by his mother while attempting to make his father more of a man. Uncomfortable when you think about it. Just explain to me this-When Marty returned to the present, having altered the  past, why didn’t his parents recognise him as the friend responsible for bringing them together? I mean, such an important chapter in their lives, and they can’t remember the person who had the biggest impact on their relationship? At the very least, you’d think the father would suspect the mother of infidelity…

Remedy? Nothing really to fix, aside from perhaps adding a brief comment from one of the parents? ‘Wait, he looks like… No, nevermind.’

Battle Royale

The film opens on a highly publicised ending to a previous Battle Royale contest- cameras flash, and an excited news reporter fights to remain in front of her camera-man while the crowds bustle around her. It’s like the end of the X-Factor, or Big Brother, and everyone’s heard of them. So why, when the class find themselves abducted, is the whole thing such a surprise? They don’t have a clue what Battle Royale is. It’s either a public spectacle or a secret government conspiracy, so which is it?

Remedy? Cut the opening scene, or cut the confused questions from the scene where the class wake up. Really the scriptwriter should have picked this up.

Blade

Right, so Frost was a man turned into a vampire, while most of the other Vampire leaders were born Vampires. I have a few problems with this idea. Firstly, shouldn’t the pure- blood Vampires be stronger or something, or how else are they in charge? And how does the aging thing work? Not so much a plot flaw, but just something I feel require a little more explanation, or why even mention it at all?

Gripe 2: The Vampire pure-blood leaders are gathered in the temple to act as sacrifices for the coming of the ‘Blood God’, and they’re clearly a requirement or why else go to the effort of abducting them (poor security incidentally). So why, after Frost’s girlfriend kills one of the leaders, does the magic still work?

Remedy? There is no point to the moment where the girlfriend kills one of the leaders! Why is it there? Just remove it. As for the whole ‘pure blood’ thing, that needs a re-write.

Blood Diamond

The main character Solomon is an abducted fisherman forced to work in a diamond mine, who happens across a priceless stone. During a raid on the mine, Solomon is able to bury it close to the river before escaping. Unfortunately, the villain in charge of the mine (Captain Poison- really, look it up!) knows that Solomon has stashed the stone and so he spends most of the film trying to track him down. At the films climax Solomon is bought back to the glade where he stashed the priceless stone- and there are three shallow holes in the ground! Just three! You expect me to believe that Poison knew exactly the glade where the stone was buried and dug just three fucking holes, about six inches deep, really? I’d have been there day and night digging holes everywhere, would seem like a much better use of my time than chasing Solomon across Africa. Or I could always take a handful of slaves to the glade and get them digging instead, just a thought…

Remedy? Would make more sense if Poison didn’t know the location of the exact glade where Solomon hid the diamond. Just show a scene of the guy forcing slaves to dig, but in the wrong location.

Cloverfield

So you’re a civilian recording all sorts of shit on your camcorder that the army would likely prefer didn’t go public. Makes you think they should have confiscated the camcorder at the field hospital, right?

Remedy? Hide the camera in a bag? Don’t go to the hospital? Re-write!

Ghost

 Just before the film’s climax deceased Sam is able to ‘get it on’ with his girlfriend Molly. The audience swoons, which is fine till you realise that in reality Molly is actually ‘getting it on’ with Sam’s medium ally Oda Mae (played by the famously sexy Whoopi Goldburg)- not so romantic now, is it?

Remedy? None required, just a little creepy.

In Time

 Considering most of these characters are living in border-line poverty, there’s a lot of people drinking cappuccinos and walking about with gym-bodies and salon-fresh hair. This all costs time/money currency unnecessarily, I’d be on a tap water and rice diet. Not many people looking 25 either… Gripe 2: the arm-wrestling scenario makes no sense either. It’s implied that the arm on top saps time from the arm below, so how can you win a contest from being on bottom?

Remedy. Shoot the script writer. Shoot the director. Shoot the stars. Burn the film.

Kill Bill, Vol 1

 The ‘Bride’ comes out of her coma and kills two men, one a thug and the other an orderly. Ignoring for now that the thug who had his tongue pulled out didn’t manage to run screaming from the room, but instead was found 20 mins later by the orderly, who’s entire body became strangely paralyzed after having his heels slashed open, ignoring all that- the ‘Bride’ spent thirteen hours in the a dead man’s car trying to recover from her coma. Thirteen hours. You’re telling me that two murdered corpses weren’t discovered in a hospital after thirteen hours? Most shifts are either 8 or 12 hours long, nobody got suspicious when the orderly didn’t turn up for hand-over? Or that the staff on the next shift didn’t find the bodies? They weren’t hidden. And if the corpses were discovered, you’d think the police would be all over the scene, and that includes the dead orderly’s car…

Remedy? Tricky. Change the time that passes in the ‘Pussey Wagon’ from 13 hours to 6 maybe? Or don’t give a time at all?

Mad Max 2, The Road Warrior

Most fuel goes bad after 6 months. A little longer if it’s stored correctly, or in tanks. Unfortunate but true. So whenever you watch these Mad Max-like films set in the future, with people driving about in converted cars, it’s all false. The climax of The Road Warrior would look silly on push bikes.

Remedy? There is none. The facts completely work against the concept of the film.

Prometheus

 The android David is smart. He can decipher an entire alien language and its technology by comparing ancient languages, that’s pretty smart. So, when he discovers that the ‘Engineers’ were intent on destroying the whole human race, he still considers it a wise idea to introduce them to his ‘father figure’ Weyland? Mmmm. Don’t sound so wise to me, sounds like it could go quite badly actually. Gripe 2: why does Weyland have to travel in secret? It’s his funding, his project and his fucking ship. Surely he gets to call the shots?

Remedy? What with this, and all my other gripes, I’m of the firm opinion the script needs re-writing from scratch.

Spiderman 2

 Spiderman is a man with superhuman strength. Doc Ock is a fat old man, whose only ‘super power’ is a set of robotic arms so light that they don’t tip him over when they reach outwards. Who’s going to win a fight out of these two? Spiderman can tip over a truck and halt a speeding train, what do you suppose happens if someone that strong punches a fat old man in the face? That’s going to look like a shotgun blast. Also, Spiderman has the strength to grab one of them arms and sling Doc Ock about like a rag doll.

Remedy? Again, tough. Maybe not show Spiderman actually landing a punch?

Star Trek (Reboot)

So, imagine your family (no, entire planet) is accidentally wiped out. That’d piss you off, right? Hell yeah! Now imagine you come into possession of a strange substance that lets you travel back in time! Wow. You’d go back and either save your family, or maybe warn the people responsible that their actions will destroy your planet! Right? So what does the villain in this film do? ‘I will travel back in time to have my revenge on the person responsible! Ha ha ha!’. Dick.

Remedy? In the face of logic the whole premise of the story comes crashing down. Total fail.

Terminator 2

Imagine you are a sophisticated computer intent on destroying man-kind. You send a robot back in time to kill Sarah Conner, mother of the man who is defeating you in the present day, thus eliminating your foe. The plan goes wrong; there was too much technology around capable of being used to destroy your robot. What do you do? Try sending your robot even further back in time perhaps, to kill Sarah Conner’s mother, or maybe even her mother (when weapons were even more primitive)? Or maybe send a robot back to kill her while she’s pregnant and unable to either run or fight?... Or do you do exactly the same thing again?

Remedy? How about just explaining that you can only travel back so far, that anything further back than 1980 isn’t possible yet?

Terminator Salvation

Imagine (again) you are a sophisticated computer intent on destroying man-kind. It is your goal to kill John Conner, and leave mankind leaderless and unable to oppose you. Sending robots back in time doesn’t work. Then you realise that you’ve captured Carl Reese, the man who travels back in time and father’s John Conner. That’s too perfect right? Kill him and you’ve ended the war: like Sarah Conner, no Reese- no John! Nope, instead, what you do is hold Reese as bait for a trap to kill the man who’d cease to exist if only you killed the hostage to start with. Duh!

Gripe 2: If every Terminator is created with a tiny nuclear device inside it’s skull (as used to destry the base at the end of this film), then why didn’t the last 3 blow up?

Remedy? A big rewrite. A very big rewrite.

The Chronicles Of Narnia, The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe

When Mr Tumnus is arrested by the Witches’ police, they leave a signed note on the door. That’s pretty clever considering they’re all wolves. Sure, they can talk, but they can’t write (or hammer bits of paper to the door).

Remedy? You don’t need the note, the beaver turns up to explain the plot anyway.

The Dark Knight

Just a thought, and this applies to all the Christopher Nolan Batman films: Batman has a strict ‘no kill’ policy. How can he ever be sure that any of the criminals he knocks about don’t die? He’s thrown no end of people down stairs and off ledges, and even a punch to the nose can kill you. How many car crashes has he caused? Them things spin around and flip over all the time; I’d be surprised if there hasn’t been a fatality yet- and that mostly happens to the cops! Hell, even Harvey Dent uses a car crash to kill two people. Tut-tut, Batman you hypocrite.

Gripe 2: Let’s assume that Batman is comfortable with the concept of ‘accidental death’ (as covered in the small print of his ‘no kill’ policy). That explains why he was able to morally justify leaving Ra’s Al Ghul to die at the ending of the first film. I have no issue with that… However, why does he then feel the need to save the Joker at the end of the second film? After all, that could have easily been seen as another accident, like with Harvey Dent.

Remedy? How could I do this to myself, I love these films, but fair is fair. It’s not one rule for some and another rule for others... The first gripe is a general conceit in many action movies, but the second gripe is inexcusable. How do you fix an issue like that? Perhaps you could argue that Batman only saved the Joker to prove that his theory about the ‘good people of Gotham’ was wrong? Sound’s plausible, let’s go with that…

The Lord Of The Rings, The Return Of The King

Let’s take the wise words of Family Guy’s Chris Griffin: “Erm, do you know in Lord Of The Rings, when the big eagle comes to rescue Gandalf…how come they do not just fly the eagle to Mordor and drop the ring into the volcano, instead of spending three movies walking there?” Like the man says, sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent plot. One of Chris’ more lucid moments, and I can’t put it any better than that myself.

Remedy? Cut the eagles from the film, perhaps let Frodo and Sam die on the mountain (makes for a shorter ending). OK, perhaps not that, but you need to loose the eagles. Maybe some of the other characters ride to the mountain, and Sam and Frodo outrun the lava?

X-Men, Last Stand

Imagine you’re a general tasked with protecting a very special child- one with a power that renders other mutants unable to use their abilities. Oh no, now an army of angry and dangerous mutants is attacking your post. What do you do? Try and fight them off bravely, even though they can deflect your bullets and claw you to death with terrifying ease?... Or, do you take that kid outside, stand him behind the first wave of your soldiers (perhaps behind a blockade for safety), and thus defusing the abilities of the oncoming mutants, and gun them down like so many jobless hippies? I know what I’d do. Plus, didn’t they have the cure in injection form? I’d issue that to each soldier as a form of close-combat side arm.

Remedy? This is getting depressing now. Another big rewrite, the climax just doesn’t work.

Finally, just as an added bonus...

Star Wars, The phantom Menace

For one thing, none of the new Star Wars films really tallies up with the original. For one thing, Jedi Masters stop fighting like ninjas on Speed and start fighting like old men. But the thing that always bugged me was; why does Darth Vader not remember building R2D2 and C3P0? He meets them again in Cloud City. AND, why don’t they remember him? AND another thing, why are there 100s of them if they were scratch built by some sprog in the arse-end of the Galaxy?

Remedy? Maybe they already covered this, I don’t know. I didn’t bother watching Attack Of The Clones or Revenge Of The Sith. That's why this is something of an 'Easter Egg' than an actual inclusion. Maybe I shouldn’t have included it in my blog at all, but what the Hell, I’m betting it’s still a loose end.

Well, there you have it. These are the films that grind my gears.

Looking forward to hearing yours…