"GET TO DA CHOPPA!"

*Dutch. Predator (1987).

I present to you: the definitive, indispensable, all-singing, all-dancing Arnold Schwarzenegger star-vehicle script-generator! 

Just read each caption and choose one of the following five answers, and hey-hey! An instant plot! 

Your name is;

• Douglass Dutch

• Harry Quaid

• Conan Matrix

• Ivan Freeze

• Mr Universe

  
  

Unfortunately, something’s wrong;

• An evil warlord has massacred your village

• A killer robot has come from the future

• You’re the newest contestant in a dangerous game-show

• You’re mind has been erased

• You need to run for governor of California

  
  

And to make matters worse;

• You’re pregnant

• You have to moonlight as a kindergarten teacher

• You have to buy your child’s favorite toy

• You’re wife has discovered you’re a spy

• Women are filing sexual harassment claims against you

  
  

During the film, you must also go head-to-head against;

• An invisible alien

• The Devil

• Your clone

• Michael Ironside

• The Democrats

  
  

 

With the aid of;

• Your unlikely twin

• A magic cinema ticket

• A horse

• A machine gun with never-ending ammunition

• Your fan base

  
  

And your;

• Freeze gun

• Unshakable faith in Krom

• Ridiculously curly wig

• Exploding woman-head disguise

• Aggressive election campaign

  
  

You’re able to;

• Alter the course of the future

• Get to the chopper

• Eat green berets for breakfast

• Retrieve the nuclear warheads

• Become Governor

  
  

Also, for the whole story, you;

• Keep showing off your naked butt

• Look to old to still be doing action films

• Make yourself look younger with CGI

• Deliver corny jokes

• Regret ever sleeping with your maid